As I have been writing these weekly sharksploitation movie blogs, I have discovered a seething rage percolating in the corners of my mind. With the help of much soul searching and many scented candles, I have become self-aware of my disgust at misleading shark movie posters. I felt it was time to write some little fun-sized blurbs about this. So grab a handful of mini peanut butter cups and let’s have at it, shall we?
I know, I know. It’s motherfucking Jaws. I love it too. But this one really set the standard for all shark movie bait-and-switch posters to follow. It sets the right tone, and an isolated naked woman does get chomped by a leviathan from below. Yet, we wait for a long time to actually see the shark in the movie, and when we do…not this shark. What Speilberg and his team created in a time before CGI was truly astounding. At the time, it was groundbreaking. However, much like the OG Godzilla of the original film, the shark in Jaws turned out to be a little more…goofy. It’s just that no one had anything else to compare it to. It was a pioneering feature dipping its toe into a new sub-genre featuring true scares, featuring a monster based on a real creature. I don’t hate this poster, honestly, I don’t. But I swear on my Jaws lunchbox and everything else I hold dear, that all the shitty movies that came after got permission to bamboozle us because of this poster. Hey if it can work for Jaws…problem is, despite the poster’s dubious suggestions, that movie was pretty fucking amazing.
If you have read my review of this one, you know how I feel about this filthy, nasty waste of time. It could have been so great! I mean, just look at the poster! Look at it damn you! A shark possessed by the devil? Huzzah!
Reality check. The shark in the movie looked like a teenager got into their parents’ lude stash and simultaneously discovered how to use an etch-a-sketch. The only thing Satanic about it is its glowing eyes. There is no final confrontation between the mighty man of the cloth and this great big beauty of evil as the poster implies. The ending was a cluster fuck of bad effects and a smoke machine. It’s like someone threw a bucket of pea soup on a copy of the final episode of Lost (still a little bitter about that). I hate you Shark Exorcist.
I will preface this by saying I really enjoyed House Shark. It was funny as hell and you could tell the guys cut the cloth of this movie from a deep and profound love of this sub-genre. There are two versions of this poster. One has almost the exact problem as Jaws. But now that I think of it, maybe they planned it that way? The movie is basically a parody of the classic. Okay, okay that one might be a stroke of genius.
The other one, the one with a giant shark eating a house? Yah. That one pisses me off. The shark is the size of a person in the movie. I really mean that. The shark is a guy in a paper mache shark costume. This is a lowest of the low budget, folks. So I don’t care how many fists of increasing girth that dude fits into his mouth, he ain’t gonna stretch it out that big. Also the shark on the poster is a depiction of a great white, not a $49.99 outfit from etsy.
Here’s another bitch session, this one about the movie I just reviewed last Sunday. Feel free to read it. No, seriously, please read it.
Where do I begin with this poster? First of all, the movie does not take place in a prison. It revolves around escaped women prisoners but you would not even know that based on their skimpy outfits. In all fairness, you will realize they are women because of the triple D cups all up in your face (is that an actual bra size? I wouldn’t know anything after B). Second, the sharks in the movie, again, look nothing like this. They are spiky and small and stupid. They also can burrow through the earth. Where is that on the poster, huh? One more thing, Traci Lords’ name has a prominent place on the poster. She is actually in it, but she has no impact on the plot. She must be the cousin of one of the film makers or something. Don’t for one second think you’ll see her in those skimpy outfits because those days are behind her. Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.
Okay last one. Seems like we will be treated to a giant white shark attacking a chopper, right? Oh goodie! Once again, hell to the no. There might have been a chopper at one point. Maybe while I passed out from the banality. Say what you will about Sharknado but if there is a shark attacking a chopper on one of the posters, you can bet your mama’s pearly whites that there will be a shark attacking a goddamn chopper. Also, the sharks in Ice Sharks are Greenland sharks, which are a far cry from Great Whites. Google them, I’ll wait. See?? What did I tell you. I have nothing else to say except fuck this movie.
Bonus Round:
Now for a good poster, a beacon of hope for truth seekers like us. Open Water is a movie about isolation, hopelessness and terror. A couple is lost among the vast, bleak, unforgiving ocean. Doesn’t this poster just scream that at you? There is not even a shark to be seen, although they are there gliding in the deep dark abyss below these pour souls. But the poster keeps that hidden away as a little surprise for the viewer. I want to make out with this poster.
See ya next time!