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Toxic Shark: Arsenic and Awesome!

Boy, these SyFy movies are keeping me in business, folks. I thought I would give Toxic Shark a spin. I wasn’t expecting much but the usual goofy fare served by this network. I was mistaken. This is one of the best.

The movie opens with a pretty boring scene. A couple just kind of disappears into the sea. Then Toxic Shark jumps straight at you with a mighty roar. Well hello there!

The film is set at a beachy singles resort run by a corrupt piece of shit. He is a thinly veiled caricature of Billy McFarland, creator of the ill-fated Fyre Fest that screwed a bunch of rich, hip idiots out of millions. A dude named Sam is there to forget about his ex-girlfriend Eden, but in a very predictable twist, she is there too. Let the bickering begin. 

The douchebag running the joint knows that there is something icky in the water but tries to cover it up. The carnage commences pretty quickly and the attacks begin. Toxic Shark not only eats people, but …wait for it…shoots green goo out of its proboscis-like blowhole like a sea-faring Dilophosaurus! OMG yes. 

Other than the amazing slime hole, Toxic Shark is your typical growling CGI shark with bad teeth. But I am totally fine with that because…slime hole. 

One of my favorite scenes involves a woman on horseback trotting on the beach. The horse gets spooked by something in the water. I immediately got sweaty palms thinking that poor horse was about to be devoured. Kill whomever you want, but don’t fuck with the animals. Much to my gleeful surprise, Toxic Shark jumps out of the water, plucks the chick right off, and leaves the horse unscathed. Toxic Shark has a goddamn heart of gold. 

Not only can Toxic Shark eat you, but if you get scraped by its skin, you become infected. Slowly, you turn into a red-eyed blathering maniac and try to bite everyone in sight. Oh and if you bite them, they become infected! Yes, folks. This is a zombie shark virus movie within a straight shootin’ sharksploitation movie! It’s like all my dreams are coming true. 

Honestly I never really understood what the green goo does to people. As the movie goes on, it seems Toxic Shark likes to circle back and eat those who are infected or who have gotten the squirt to the face. So I can only assume it is a marinade of some sort.

The phone lines to the mainland are cut and there is only one working boat. Douchy McDoucherton abandons all the people and takes off in the boat only to meet his comeuppance. The survivors must try to figure out how to fix this mess as more infected start to go a bit cuckoo in the cabeza. Eden, who conveniently is an environmental scientist, learns that the water is contaminated with arsenic whenever Toxic Shark is in the vicinity. Eden also has a super bracelet which is made of magnets and repels Toxic Shark for some unknown reason. 

We all can see where this is going, am I right? This is a pretty standard and expected plotline complete with the ending that blatantly rips off Jaws. (Sigh…happens every time. Let’s try to think outside the box next time, could we please?)

The thing is, despite it being predictable shark movie fodder, on one hand, the zombie storyline makes up for it with the most hilarious results! The characters are likable and the dialogue is pretty entertaining and funny. Towards the end, there are delightful surprises that leave you with a spring in your step and a song in your heart. 

Oh, Toxic Shark! You have me all googly with the crush of a thousand heart-eyed emojis. Mwah!

See ya next time!

Director: Cole Sharpe

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

Editor note: Susan Snyder has been nominated for a Splatterpunk Award for her story Param found in the Trigger Warning: Body Horror anthology. Pick it up and read her amazing story below!

1 thought on “Toxic Shark: Arsenic and Awesome!

  1. So glad the horse was spared!

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