This morning my wife tried snuggling me, she asked if I was mad, I said, no, but that I was thinking about eating Pokemon. Her response? “That tracks.” But it doesn’t. Not really, Pokemon is a strange fantastic world filled with bright colors fueled by friendship, but if you peel back even the first layer of the game’s setting things begin to unravel in the worst way. Pokemon is a survival horror game as grisly and dark as they come. Let me explain.
- All Pokemon Are Intelligent: This isn’t just some theory or some silly idea, it’s a provable fact. Even the goldfish pokemon, magikarp, perhaps the dumbest of Pokemon, can be caught, and trained to fight using new commands. It doesn’t even take much, as soon as you catch it, the thing understands English. As soon as you dredge out of the water, and hurt it enough, it can understand your commands, even if it has never seen a human before.
- All Pokemon Are Hyper-Intelligent: I need to stress this. Pokemon aren’t just smart because they can understand English. You can take a potato Pokemon and then train it to use magic. You can cross train your Pokemon, to use skills that are completely unnatural not only to it, but to the accepted physics of the world. This is like if you took an old dog, and you taught it how to play basketball. (yes Airbud is a Pokemon.)
- All Pokemon Are Aggressive and Hate Mankind: How do you catch new Pokemon? You wander around in their habitat until the one you’re looking for attacks you. In the real world, sure some animals will attack you out of hunger or territorialism, but in Pokemon? Everything wants you dead. The Goldish wants you dead, that plant over there wants you dead, those rocks want you dead. Every single Pokemon you encounter has one of two states. It has either been beaten into submission or wants your blood.
- Pokemon Are Evolving: This is more than a baked-in mechanic of the games, this is an established reality of the game world. All Pokemon can evolve, not all do. Maybe Pikachu will become Raichu, or maybe the electro-vermin will grow to be ancient and die in combat long before it evolves. Some pokemon seem to evolve because you love it enough, (giving it Stockholms for the abuse you bury it in). Others evolve in battle, meaning that evolution is a trait that allows it to adapt in battle so that it can be a more perfect killing machine.
- Everything is a Pokemon: And since all Pokemon want to kill you, and can evolve to do so, thank G-d there aren’t that many of them right? Wrong! Plants, bugs, animals, rocks, gasses, electricity, pollution, ghosts, shadows, stars, aliens, water, fire. EVERYTHING around you is a malevolent Pokemon waiting patiently to murder you. Even some PEOPLE are Pokemon, evolving into an uncanny valley just to get close enough to marry your mom and murder your family in the night. The most unbelievable part of the Pokemon universe is that mankind was able to survive at all.
- Violence is The Only Language Pokemon Speak: So how do we live in harmony with these monsters? We don’t. We go out in the world and we force these things to fight one another. And if we want we can capture and dominate the Pokemon we nearly kill. Sure they understand you’re English, and yes they say their own name over and over again. But the only way to stop them from killing you is by killing them first. Or nearly killing it, and then cramming it into a micro-torture chamber, only to be forced to fight not only other Pokemon, but its own kind as well.
- The Only Thing to Eat is Hyper-Intelligent Hatefilled Pokemon: We don’t eat many intelligent species as sort of a rule in the west. We don’t eat dolphins, or dogs or rats. IN GENERAL. We do eat octopi, which is pretty fucked up considering. But we, as humans, sort of have this agreement with the animal kingdom about not eating the animals that can be our friends. Fine. Can’t live by that rule in Pokemon. Every animal is a Pokemon. All of them, and as we discussed earlier they are all hyper-intelligent, and once you have hurt them enough, they will be your friend. Not only that, but almost every plant is also a Pokemon. That means there is nothing you can eat that isn’t both hyper-intelligent and capable of both love and unfettered malice.
All in all, everything about the game when you just glance under the curtain is nightmare fuel. The fact that this is marketed as a kids game is a travesty. Any sane person can see that this setting is rife with violence, cannibalism and of course Beastiality.
As for me, did you know I write books too? You can find all of my books on my personal website, and find the links to Amazon, or buy personalized signed books there!