I feel that I need to start by revisiting the sentiment from my first blog. These types of movies are not everyone’s cup of briny tea. It takes a person with an ample sense of humor and lowered expectations to enjoy a “so bad it’s good” sharksploitation film. I am always baffled by the one star reviews for these. Who the hell thinks that House Shark is going to be a benchmark for cinematic achievement? Lighten up.
Continue reading House Shark: Don’t Knock It!
After watching the abomination known as Shark Exorcist, I expected this one to follow it right into the crapper. Low budget, bad acting, sub-par effects. Sharkenstein does have all of those…in the best possible way!
Continue reading Sharkenstein: It’s Alive! (and Adorable)
My little marine biologist heart was all a-glow when the opening credits featured real shark footage in a lovely bloody hue. It’s as if they made an effort which is quite rare in this genre. This movie has a pretty high production value and some recognizable actors, not the least of which is Donal Logue and some guy I am pretty sure is in Schitt$ Creek. Actual actors! My stars…I might like this one!
Continue reading Shark Night: Stop it With the Awesome!
There aren’t many movies that I can’t do in one sitting. I mean, I watched five Sharknado movies in one day. This one…I took about 15 smoke breaks and hard-boiled some eggs just to have a short reprieve from this steaming turd of a film. Director: Donald Farmer
It is a damn shame because it starts off pretty awesome with a great premise. A nun is on the lam for torturing and killing a bunch of kids. We see her walking slowly through a cemetery to the water’s edge. She is confronted about her crimes by an angry woman. The nun stabs her and lays her in the water. She offers her victim as a sacrifice to Lord Satan to bring her an avenger! Then we see the shark, eyes a-glow, animated by a first year film student who maybe took three classes of CGI 101. Hey, that’s okay. I understood this was low budget going in. I can forgive that when we are talking about a Satanic psychotic nun invoking a Satanic psychotic shark! Yay!
After the credits, my dreams for a so-bad-it’s-good movie experience were drowned dead in hot holy water. First of all, the water we are talking about is a lake. A lake? Where did the great white come from? I guess it is not a normal shark, it’s satanic. Gotta keep the salinity level low.
Enter the bikini-clad bimbos. Most of the movie, and I am not exaggerating, consists of long lingering shots of women’s bodies with no reason. There is no attempt to cast actors. Just who looks best in a bikini. Every scene goes on and on with not much happening at all. This movie could have been done in about 20 minutes if they just got to the point. And if you simply adore Casio keyboard music, this one’s for you.
The shark attacks are a hoot. Everyone seems to be getting attacked before the shark gets anywhere near them. Never do you actually see the shark inflicting any bodily damage. That would be way too advanced for these filmmakers. The first victim, Ally, is attacked and I swear I cut myself shaving worse this morning. She becomes the land lubbing minion of the devil shark. She seduces hapless victims into the water, disappears under the surface and they get eaten. Does she become the shark? Does she just summon it? We never find out and trust me, you won’t care.
One of her sacrificial lambs happens to be the brother of a priest. Now, for a movie about a shark exorcist, his screen time is about 5 full minutes total. God forbid we cut out any of the bikini time. We see him mostly looking at pics of the devil on his cell phone and crossing himself a lot.
Where this movie really shines is the writhing. I have never in my life seen so many women writhing on the ground. The writhing seems to be contagious, sometimes sexual, but always pointless. Like every other shot of a woman, the scene lingers for a good ten freaking minutes. I guess it is appropriate that I kept whispering “Dear Lord” to myself often during my viewing. If anything was going to make me pray to end my suffering, it is Shark Exorcist.
I wish I could explain the evolution of the plot to you guys. I can’t. The plot is as flavorful as a can of lime La Croix. Ally lures people to their deaths. There is a rivalry between a show called Ghost Whackers and one called Ghost Fakers. It wasn’t even important to the movie but at least I remembered something. The priest ends up trying to exorcise Ally but all I could gather from the shitty audio and horrible editing was that it didn’t work. The shark makes an appearance in the sky a couple times.
Are y’all confused? Good. That is all you can expect from this piece of sharksploitation trash. I usually defend bad shark movies. There are usually some fun moments and campy gore. This offered me nothing. NOTHING! (on knees, shaking fist in air)
Oh wait, there’s more. We get treated to not one but two after credit scenes indicating some plans to make a Shark Exorcist sequel. Someone needs to find that sequel and kill it with hellfire in its crib.
Okay I am taking a deep breath and cleansing my damaged mind from any memory of this movie. Time to make some deviled eggs.
See ya next time!
Director: Griff Furst
Ok kids, I ain’t going to lie. This is one of my favorite sharksploitation films I have seen so far. Released in 2013 for the SyFy Channel, it does an amazing job of blending a ridiculous premise with some of the most inventive and snort-worthy kills of any shark attack movie. A ghost shark can appear in any water! Think about that, folks. The possibilities for wet and wild carnage are endless. That pleases me.
Continue reading Ghost Shark: Gore with a Glow
Fins in Funnels: The Sharknado – Franchise Part V
March 10, 2018 was one of the craziest days of my life. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results? Not so. True insanity is watching all five Sharknado films in one day.
Sharknado 5: Global Swarming
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Number of Beers Consumed: 6
Continue reading Fins in Funnels: The Sharknado – Franchise Part V
March 10, 2018 was one of the craziest days of my life. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results? Not so. True insanity is watching all five Sharknado films in one day.
Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Number of Beers Consumed: 5
Continue reading Fins in Funnels: The Sharknado Franchise Part IV
March 10, 2018 was one of the craziest days of my life. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results? Not so. True insanity is watching all five Sharknado films in one day.
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Number of Beers Consumed: 4
Continue reading Fins in Funnels: The Sharknado Franchise: Part 3
March 10, 2018 was one of the craziest days of my life. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results? Not so. True insanity is watching all five Sharknado films in one day.
Sharknado 2: The Second One
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Number of Beers Consumed: 2
It was when I began my viewing of the second Sharknado movie that I reached for a beer. I was gonna need it.
The first movie, although flawed, was a lot of fun. If you haven’t read my review last week, go ahead. I’ll wait. I didn’t need a beer then. I had nachos.
The second one, cleverly named “The Second One”, was an inferior sequel at best but held true to the campy goodness displayed in the first film. This no doubt was encouraged by the cult following the original Sharknado had created. More celebrity cameos abounded. More outlandish premises explored. More cringe worthy dialogue expressed. Good. That’s clearly what the people want.
This one starts right off with a homage to the Twilight Zone’s Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. Sharkastrophe strikes as an airplane headed toward the Big Apple is caught in a toothy storm. Our heroine, April Wexler (Tara Reid) is attacked in mid-air by a wind-swept shark with an insanely great sense of direction, and she loses her arm. ‘It’s like he knew who I was,” says she. This time it’s personal.
The film follows the sister of Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) and her family as they sightsee their way into terror. In peril, they contact our hero, Fin (oh wait…Fin! I totally just got that), and as predicted he becomes entangled in a mess of turbo leviathans. There are some fun moments as New York City icons become destroyed. The head of the Statue of Liberty takes some shit out. A sewer alligator gets eaten by a shark. B through Z-list celebrities show up in damn near every scene. I won’t really dive into the plot because there is nothing to say that you wouldn’t already guess. It ain’t that deep.
This movie goes a little into the “science” of the sharknado, and by that I mean Matt Lauer and Al Roker are seen discussing it several times on television. A southerly shark wind is heading north causing record heat in New York City. Record heat turns to July snowfall as an arctic air front converges over Manhattan. Sharks are coming down at a rate of 2” per hour! The winds are picking up whale sharks now, folks. Hey, those are big! Two nados are combining to form an EF5 finny twister over the upper east side. And god no…a third is threatening to join turning this phenomenon into a “storm of biblical proportions!” Oh the humanity!
I can say I was impressed by the variety of sea life involved in this movie’s weather. In addition to the whale shark, we get to see some airborne hammerheads, makos, and even a wacky wall-walker octopus. This pleased me for some reason. I smiled inwardly as I cracked open my second beer.
I want to take a moment now to appreciate the only player in this movie who had any acting skills whatsoever…Vivica A. Fox. A former flame of Ian Ziering’s character, she teams up with him to slay the winds with the help of a lightning rod and some feisty gumption. Vivica A. Fox is not a good actress. I am just saying she was the best one in this movie.
At some point, or maybe I was just starting to get buzzed, Fin “surfs” the sharknado. There are a variety of useful weapons flying about him amidst the ferocious maelstrom and conveniently within arms reach. Definitely a cartoony moment. I snort laughed, then realized I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The real kicker to this film is the ending. Remember April and her lost arm? Yah, that comes back into play in the most ridiculously Evil Dead kind of way. I just don’t have the heart to spoil this one for you, folks, but it involves a circular saw, the shark that ate her arm and a wedding ring.
The true testament to the brutal staying power of this franchise is that when I finished the movie and went to pee out the Lone Star, I found myself deep in thought about where they could possibly go from here. The first tendrils of dread entered my psyche. Wherever they go with the next one, I best be prepared. And possibly drunk.
With anxiety, a fresh beer and a bit of acid reflux, I popped in the third installment appropriately titled Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!
See ya next time!
March 10, 2018 was one of the craziest days of my life. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results? Not so. True insanity is watching all five Sharknado films in one day.
Continue reading Fins in Funnels: The Sharknado Franchise