I feel that I need to start by revisiting the sentiment from my first blog. These types of movies are not everyone’s cup of briny tea. It takes a person with an ample sense of humor and lowered expectations to enjoy a “so bad it’s good” sharksploitation film. I am always baffled by the one star reviews for these. Who the hell thinks that House Shark is going to be a benchmark for cinematic achievement? Lighten up.
Continue reading House Shark: Don’t Knock It!
Ehh, erm… uhhhh… yeah I can give it a pass. I have to admit, it took me a couple of attempts to get all the way through this movie. However, something kept pulling me back to give it another shot. And while it may have taken four overall sittings, I have to admit, it was at least interesting.
Continue reading Reed Alexander’s Horror Review of ‘Lovely Molly’ (2011)
My editorial position is to review and write about, predominantly, things I enjoy. I’ll let the occasional gripe or complaint slip through, but for the most part I’ve found that nonstop delectation in the guzzling of Haterade is, while enjoyable, a young man’s game, and in my 30s I have learned to ditch shame about what I enjoy (and thus the concept of the “guilty pleasure”) and embrace who and what I am. Life is a far briefer rocket ride than most of us would care to contemplate, and maximizing my enjoyment of the journey at this point means focusing on the things I love a little more and the things I hate a little less.
Continue reading How Not to Horror
A pretty solid indi horror that got largely looked over.
Everyone who’s a fan of my reviews, knows I’m not a fan of ‘Shaky Camera.’ There are exceptions to this, as with all things, but I feel it’s a band wagon most studios need to start falling off.
And now for an old classic in fucking BAD movies. Look, literally everyone going into this movie should know it’s a giant shit show. They didn’t even attempt to make it sound like serious horror back when the were producing it. But it’s been 26 years at the time of this review. There is zero reason for anyone to not know the Leprechaun franchise is basically one long running joke. They were just trying to figure out how loony-toons they could get with the concept. Shit, by nowadays standards, with movies like Sharknado, this franchise didn’t even go far enough.
Continue reading Reed Alexander’s Horror Review of ‘Leprechaun’ (1993)
I’ve been on an indi kick lately and I wanted to share with you all a gem that randomly fell into my lap.
It didn’t start out perfect. Audio! Fucking audio people! There was so much echo and feedback it was hard to hear what people were fucking saying! I shouldn’t have to watch an English movie with the subtitles on! Especially one that was loud enough to be heard normally if it wasn’t for all the earsplitting distortion. Man, don’t get me wrong, the dialog is solid and even natural, and the soundtrack is pretty smart too. But Jesus FUCKING Christ, wish someone had checked the levels on the god damn audio. Thought I was going to have a migraine.
The cinematography was good though. I’ve gotta say that the camera filters were fascinating. It reminded me of an old disco video, or that scene from Carrie (1976) when she final goes full psycho and kills everyone at the prom. It was really quite brilliant use of filters. The angles, the shadowing, the colors. It’s a far smarter way to hide the shit practical FX than with “shaky camera,” and it creates a darker and grittier atmosphere.
So, the opening monologue seemed to be completely needless. It was kinda neat to do opening introductions like Smokin’ Aces, but maybe just cut out the “I’m the Antichrist” bullshit? We could have figured that out later, and it would have been a lot more fun to find out naturally. That’s kinda neat, right? Narrator introduces the characters, the plot takes off, and then we find out he’s the Antichrist. It feels like something I should have to save for the spoilers.
But let’s talk about the pace! After the needles exposition, HOLY FUCK do things get going! This movie does not fuck around! GOD DAMN what a fucking ride! The first 30 minutes were almost as violent as the original Oldboy. Dude, the fight scenes are bananas! You think they might jump the shark with the second big blowout, but it just keeps getting crazier.
Look, this is definitely not a movie for all adult audiences. It certainly is an acquired taste. But Horror Heads are guaran-damn-teed to love it.
There was a lot of shit during the fight scenes that should have left way more marks. Apparently, they didn’t have the makeup budget for that. Everything from getting bashed in the head to punched in the face. There were too many times to count when me and my wife were like, “That should have left a mark.”
How the fuck didn’t they check on Frye when they thought they killed her? I get that Frye manifested an evil duplicate of herself and that the Antichrist accidentally killed the duplicate (see? Bananas), but the moment he thought he killed her, someone should have fucking checked. I mean seriously! That was some fucking amateur hour shit, and this movie isn’t exactly full of professional criminals.
And you’re telling me the Antichrist could have just raised some zombies and had them kill the son of God the whole damn time?!? Seems like an easy workaround. Can’t kill the son of God because you’re the Antichrist? Raise some fucking zombies to do it. Why hire some damn pimp and start this whole movie to begin with? I know, we couldn’t NOT have a movie. Just saying, kinda a big plot hole.
Frye also pulled a cringe-worthy horror movie trope by going to the police and informing them the Antichrist was killing people. First off, she’s a seasoned street walker. She may not be book smart, but I guarantee she ain’t no fool. Second, why the fuck did she drive off in a car, almost to freedom, only to ask a complete stranger to bring her back? I mean, she could have just asked for a phone, called the cops, and fucking went on her way.
Anywho… Say it with me now, in your best Morbo impersonation, “THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS!!!” That’s honestly the only way you could end this movie. Somehow the Antichrist just barely manages to scrape by while the cops storm the place and shoot Frye.
Overall though, shit was bonkers and way too much fun to pass up!
All right, this movie got a bad wrap. The way people talk about it, I was expecting full blown Birdemic or even Troll 2. Okay, it was bad, but basically it was bad because the CGI was fucking shit. This is a shoe-stringer from an independent studio. I expect the kind of quality that I’d get out of Gravitas or Uncorked. AND, on the rare occasion those studios produce a gem.
Continue reading Reed Alexander’s Horror Review of ‘The Sand’ (2015)