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Super Shark: It roars! It flies! It sucks!

I am what you might call a masochist. I actually seek out horrible shark movies and subject myself to them with wholehearted vigor. I take notes. I chew on my pen. I furrow my brow. Part of this profound exercise is choosing the movie to review in any given week. Allow me to take your hand in mine and walk you through this process. 

I have dozens of titles saved in a treasure trove of academia known as “My Stuff”. I take a gander at the movie art to gauge the quality of the film. The worse, the better. Next I check the running time. Depending on the day and mood, I can muster the strength of a thousand chimpanzees and sit through a 90 minute horrible shark movie. Other days, any more than 75 and I will scoop out my own eye with a dull rusty spoon. 

But what really catches my discerning eye (the one not scooped out of course), is a big name actor. Star power. Super Shark rang my bell with the double layered treat of Jon Schneider (Dukes of Hazzard) and Jimmie “JJ” Walker (Good Times). Ding Ding! 

The film opens right smack in the middle of the action. It picks up a 4×4 and whacks you right in the face with what you can expect with this movie. There are army guys and a tank with legs that borders on copyright infringement. I’m not saying it’s an AT AT Walker but it totally is. We see the shark as it slithers onto the beach, roars, and leaps around. It’s a big-un and has teeth the size of carrots (not the organic ones, the big ones grown with pesticides). 

Cut to one week earlier. There is a deep sea oil rig accident that unleashes an earthquake that unleashes a giant shark that unleashes mayhem. We meet Bo Duke’s character who is the head of the oil company and has a fantastic and impressive head of hair for his age. Unfortunately, his nose hair is just as full and lustrous. Didn’t anyone in the makeup department notice that? Ugh. The main plot of the movie revolves around a marine biologist, Dr. Kat, who is also an agent of the Oceanic Investigation Bureau. She has a badge and everything! She hires Skipper Chuck to help her figure out what evil the oil company is up to. Eventually, they find out about the giant shark. No surprises here, people. 

This movie pisses me off. It could have been so much shorter if there wasn’t completely pointless peripheral plotlines swirling around like orbiting moons.  One focuses on a threesome of lifeguards. A pathetic girl chases a guy who ends up hooking up with the other girl. They all get eaten. What the fuck was the point? It added a good 25 minutes to the running time, and this was a rusty spoon day for me. I was not pleased. 

Oh yah. There is also a bikini contest whose MC is the one and only JJ Walker. All this subplot did was annoy me and objectify a bunch of women. There is a 10 minute scene of a sleazy photographer and a couple bikini girls. It goes on and on and on. And then they get eaten. WTF?

After a bunch of stupid shit, including Dr. Kat spouting off unrealistic science terms like “plasmotic signals”, we circle back around to that opening scene on the beach with the AT AT. We now know that super shark likes radio waves so they use some C4 and a boombox to seduce the leviathan onto the beach. On a side note, I’m not sure where the filmmakers got the music for this movie but I would like to eviscerate them with an immersion blender. Zippy and engrossing dialogue like “It flies” and “That’s bad” permeate the final scene like a freshly produced fart. The best part of the film is the battle between the AT AT tank and super shark. I actually wiped the crust from my remaining eye and perked up a bit. It was just like Pacific Rim. Except not at all. 

Hey, this wasn’t the worst bad shark movie I’ve seen. It just could have been so much slicker if they had trimmed the fat of those meaningless subplots. Anyway, I will begin the entire process anew next week with a fresh eye and a terrible attitude. 

See ya next time!

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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