Today I thought I would treat y’all to my views about a few shorter bits of sharksploitation fun that I watched this week. So without further ado, allow me to suck the cheese dust off my fingers and get to typing this shit.
Dinosaur Zoo 6: Megalodon
Mario Xavier is known for very VERY low budget and very VERY short films about very VERY stupid stuff. I am growing quite fond of him. Some of you may have read my review of Nazi Sharks, a five minute gem of flaring nostrils and horrible graphics. The Dinosaur Zoo series is more of the same. Listen folks, I ain’t hating on these at all. I mean, they are fucking awful but I have to give Mario mad props for doing them anyway.
This 7 minute film begins with a dino guy getting a call that an aquarium has a Meg. The Meg is growling as inappropriately happy music plays. The Meg escapes into a river. There is a little kid who is a shark expert. They use shark repellant spray on their clothes. Nothing happens. There are a couple shots of a dam with water flowing, and without water flowing. The kid plays in the woods. Nothing continues to happen. The Meg growls again. The end.
This Mario guy is apparently using his pastime of creating the world’s worst short films to bond with his son and teach him the ways of sharksploitation. How can anyone fault him for that? If more parents exposed their children to shark movies at an early age, I would have so many more shark movies to review. Sometimes, when I am on the toilet doing my best thinking, I fret about the day that I run out of these shitty shark films to review. I might be getting close. Too close. Much too close. Close.
So, for the love of all that is unholy, go smack your children upside the head with the worst shark movie you can find. Do it now.
Bearcano vs Nazi Sharks
I couldn’t help myself. I am reviewing another Mario Xavier joint. This one combines his Bearcano concept with the always delightful Nazi Sharks. Bearcanos, by the way, are bears that erupt from lava spontaneously and in random places. I am pleased to report that the omnipotent up-nostril shots return in this little film. Bears pop out of cracks in the streets. Nazi Sharks scream as they swim through waterless alleys and fly through the air. People run around saying “Oh no”. A scientist who might be German tells our hero that the sharks can only be dispatched by microwaves and the bears by chainsaws. So the movie ends with death by microwaves and chainsaws.
Let me be clear. There is no violence involved. The entire movie is like someone has chewed a wad of pixelated bubblegum and spat it into your innocent eyeballs. So even if there was violence, I’ll be damned if you could make out what’s happening. Mostly the creatures just vanish, just like that bag of cheese puffs I ate right before I started this blog. I need to go buy more of those. Maybe the crunchy ones this time?
Sorry, I digress.
I highly recommended checking out Mario’s work. They are all just a few minutes long. You can do this. I believe in you.
Murder by Shark
In 1852, the HMS Birkenhead was heading from England around the coast of South Africa. It ran into a reef in the dead of night and 436 souls perished in the frigid, shark infested waters. This historical documentary opens with fun facts about how sharks are blood thirsty killing machines. Seriously, it’s the same narration that permeates every fucking Shark Week doc. I hate it. Get some new material, you lazy twats.
The war ship was carrying soldiers and their families, along with lots of gold and silver. What happened to this ship? Was it a heist? Land based pirates? Sabotage? Well, no one knows so we get no answers about that whatsoever.
The reason I watched this was based on the title alone. Who am I if not a woman easily wooed by sensationalism and blood lust? But in all fairness, the part about the sharks was pretty interesting. It is alleged that sharks ate most of the people who fell into the dark waters that night. The mystery was why so many sharks appeared so quickly. Were they following the ship? Possibly, yes! The ship dumped waste material into the sea and made low frequency thumping noises with its steam engines. Sharks adore that shit. Also, it turns out that they happened to be wrecked right on top of one of the largest concentrations of Great Whites in the world. Oops.
The documentary outlines four species of sharks that could have participated in this feast of soggy flesh: Raggedtooths (sand tiger sharks), Whites, Cow Sharks (sevengill sharks) and Bronze Whalers. But we all know who did it, right? Whitey all the way. Maybe some of the others got a nibble or two, but I have seen firsthand the size of South African White Sharks. They be BIG.
Imagine being tossed into pitch black seas, not knowing where you are or how to get to shore, and being surrounded by hundreds of hungry predators? Yikes. Was this really “murder” by shark? No of course not. They just took advantage of a great opportunity for a free all-you-can-eat buffet of pasty Brits. Who wouldn’t? Yum.
See ya next time!
Where to watch: All are available on Amazon Prime