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Sharktopus vs Pteracuda: Ludicrous-topus!

The movie opens with a quick recap of the end of Sharktopus. Might I suggest you supplement that with a read of my incredible review? I’ll be right here when you’re done. 

Now that you’re caught up, this sequel picks up right where Sharktopus left off. A really stupid marine biologist, Lorena, finds an egg sac with a teeny tiny baby Sharktopus in it. Time goes by, and we find out her unscrupulous-topus uncle owns an aquarium where they are putting Sharktopus on display for the unwashed masses. The commercial says “Sharktopus! Don’t just say it … scream it!” Lorena is trying to train it. They use chlorine to sedate the beast. Chlorine? Incredulous-topus!

Meanwhile, we discover the big baddie guy of the film is super rich and makes monsters through genetic splicing of prehistoric DNA and … other things. Viola! Pteracuda! Pteracuda’s command programming gets hijacked by a Russian who sets it loose upon the good people of Cancun. Big baddie guy “hires” Sharktopus to hunt and kill Pteracuda. By “hire” I mean he drills a hole in its skull and inserts a mind control helmet. We should know from the first movie that those things never stay on. Never! A bunch of security folk get killed while trying to chase Pteracuda in a chopper. One yells “C’mon little birdie. Polly wants some payback!” Tee hee. This movie sucks. 

Sharktopus and Pteracuda periodically engage in fights both in the air and underwater. Both creatures fight like sissies. Pteracuda slaps Sharktopus on both cheeks at one point. These scenes are my favorite and probably the only reason anyone would watch the entire film without chewing through their own wrists just to feel something … anything. This movie numbs your mind. The acting is beyond awful. I know this is typical for the genre but goddamn. The attempt to make this a humorous-topus movie franchise ala Sharknado fails like a toddler on a greased paddle board. 

Conan O’Brien makes a cameo and gets beheaded. His head is then briefly used in a volleyball match. Still, this is not entertaining. You will be dead inside long before that scene. 

As is protocol, Sharktopuseseses’s mind helmet gets ripped out. He goes rogue, searching for Lorena and eating up all the peeps along the way. Lorena gets captured by the big baddie and his henchman. Big baddie gets his very predictable comeuppance. Lorena and the henchman use a disco ball to lure Pteracuda into the dull and lifeless climax of the movie. That is not a metaphor. They use a disco ball. Lorena and the henchman seem to really dig each other so you’re left with a warm fuzzy feeling in your macerated wrists before the credits roll. 

Listen, I’m a fan of the shark hybrid subgenre of sharksploitation. Sharktopus is my homeboy, Pteracuda, on the other hand, is a straight up chump. He screams like a girl. Again, that is not a metaphor. He sounds like Linnea Quigley stuck on repeat inside an echo chamber. 

I will slap the shit out of that pretty mouth!

I didn’t quite enjoy this sequel to the superior original Sharktopus. It tried too hard to be fun and ridiculous-topus. However, this is my life’s work. This is my dharma. So I shall endure the next film in the franchise for you next week: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf. Whalewolf better not disappoint me. It better fart laser beams and growl the growl of a thousand burning souls. 

So help me…

See ya next time!

Director: Kevin O”Neill

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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