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Sharktopus: Almost Watchable

SyFy Channel is like a big bowl of jelly beans. In general, I love me some jelly beans. But once in a while I reach in, hopeful and optimistic, comfortable in my odds of getting a little ball of yummers, and then whammo! Fucking licorice. 

First of all, everyone in the movie is almost attractive. It’s like they walked right up to Attractive, slipped on a banana facial peel and fell backwards into a vat of mediocrity. Now, folks, I am not the pinnacle of physical beauty myself, but this is a sharksploitation film. This is a Roger Corman produced sharksploitation film! I want my beefcake hot and my titties big, godammit. 

See? Almost attractive.

Next, this movie could have been done and over with in exactly 45 minutes. At the 37 minute mark, the main characters almost had the thing cornered and destroyed. But nooooooooo. We are treated to another 45 minutes of them chasing Sharktopus, just missing it, chasing Sharktopus, just missing it, chasing Sharktopus, just missing it… Speckled in for flavor are some kills which are sometimes amusing but mostly a good time to take a piss break. 

Eric Roberts is the geneticist who created the gene-splicey goodness that is S-11, otherwise known as Sharktopus. He thinks the beast is trained but S-11 breaks free from his mind control helmet and is let loose upon Puerto Vallarta. His daughter Nicole (who is the same girl from Shark Lake and an overall hot mess) and an ex-employee who is now some sort of mercenary hybrid fish hunter band together to try to find S-11 and bring it back alive. Eric Roberts spends the entire movie drunk on a boat, not lending a hand whatsoever and putting his kid’s life in danger. I mean, can you smell the comeuppance in the air, folks?

My favorite part of the film is when a pirate radio DJ plays a song from a band called the Cheetah Whores named “Hot Rod Hell Kitten”. It plays during a brief and disappointing boob and ass montage. 

Sharktopus itself is kinda neat. Half Great White, half octopus, this overly-shiny leviathan features spikes along its gills and can walk on land. In one scene, I swear I saw a belly button beak hole, like the mouth of an octopus. It was a fleeting moment and was not spoken of, but I know I saw it. I just cannot understand why they didn’t utilize this feature? The Sharktopus franchise has a movie where it fights a creature called Whalewolf (don’t worry, I am all over it) so maybe it will use its belly button mouth hole then? If not then, when? WHEN??

Deep breaths, Susan. Deep breaths. 

You can kinda see the belly button beak if you look really really close. Closer, dammit.

So after enduring 45 minutes of movie and then 45 minutes of filler, the mercenary guy finally says he is going to do “What I should have done from the beginning”, which is to shoot Sharktopus with a machine gun. Yah, that could have shaved a few minutes off this monstrosity of a film. Still, the bullets always seem to bounce off Sharktopus like quarters off an almost attractive stripper’s ass. 

Blah, blah, blah and then Nicole figures out that S-11 has a killswitch in its noggin. First, they must tag it with something that looks like a bottle of Massengill douche. Then, she needs to figure out the password. Then and only then can they make Sharktopus go boom. I didn’t really understand the process but it’s good to know that no one in the splash zone will have a “not so fresh feeling”. 

Truth be told, folks, I really want to watch Sharktopus vs Whalewolf but felt obligated to watch the original first. I know deep down in my cockles that SP vs WW will be a nightmarish disappointment but its siren song calls to me, and it sounds something like “Hot Rod Hell Kitten”. 

See ya next time!

Director: Declan O’Brien

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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