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Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre: The limburger of movie cheese

Why did I choose that tagline? Well, a character utters the sentence “I’ve been smelling bad crap my whole life and this is the limburger of bad”. Yes, sister. You practically reviewed this movie for me. 

The film opens with frackers blowing shit up. Cut to a bunch of boobilicious bimbos in tight white tank tops and daisy dukes boarding a van at the business end of two prison guards’ guns. Prison issued attire is sure getting skimpy these days. But I guess they’re in a hot, humid swamp so there’s that. 

The explosion opens up a crevasse from which escapes a spiky prehistoric shark who hauls ass into the ridiculously shallow waters. The frackers take a shortcut on the way to Miller time through the haunting abyss of 10 inch deep waters. I don’t even think the water’s deep enough to breach the top of my Doc Martens but yet, the shark swims right up and chomps their asses. 

Traci Lords is the police chief or head detective or something. Her and her partner look through binoculars a lot and crack wise throughout the movie, but they literally have no impact on the plot. None. Having said that, their lack of usefulness is eclipsed by the always likeable Lords who comes off saucy, witty and seems like a really cool boss. They are always three steps behind anything that happens and they never catch up. Never. 

The lady prisoners are taken out to clear some swamp stumps by the guards. What then commences is the most unsexy sexy scene ever. I’m not sure if these actresses are ex-porn stars or what but they seem a little “rode hard and put up wet” and not in a good way (wink). I haven’t seen that much silicone since they misprinted the exit sign to the Google campus. One of the girls gets unsexily eaten in a puddle and the movie really takes off from there. By “takes off”, I mean gets into a stall and plummets into a mountain. Unsexily. 

They get carjacked by a feisty redhead who is the lover of one of the blondes. She brought a change of clothes, thank god, because the tiny tops and shorts virtually screamed prison issue. So they change into other tank tops and shorts. Sigh. They eventually land in a double wide manufactured home in the middle of nowhere. There’s hot tub action, lesbian smooching and more silcone! 

This is a shark movie, so let’s talk about that, shall we? The attacks are frequent but nothing is shown subsequent to the spiny CGI shark launching itself at the victim. The shark ends up becoming six sharks at some point and now they can burrow through land like my spoon through an extra large semi-warm chocolate gelato (man, I’m hungry). 

Enter into the plot two seismologists who are there only to provide the obligatory “scientific” explanation for all this nonsense. The fracking fractured the subterranean shell bed, cracking open a fissure into the immense prehistoric sea that resides underneath the earth’s crust. Thus the sharkasauruses! Oh yah and to explain why there’s more than one shark now, apparently, every year, sharks swarm in numbers up to 1500 to mate and feed! This revelation caused me to run over to my desk, grab my Bachelors degree in Marine Biology and literally slap my television with it so hard my student loans felt it. 

This group of imbeciles makes its way into a cave that looks exactly like the cue for the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disney. This leads us painstakingly slowly toward the climax of the movie, which is about 400 hours (may not be actual time) of watching a raft move back and forth and some predictable and bloodless action. You’d think these ladies would know how to provide a proper climax, if ya know what I mean? HEYO!! Ugh, sorry about that. 

I really liked the head prison guard whose fatherly guidance and headstrong demeanor caused even the most hardened lady prisoner’s implant-adjacent heart to…augment three sizes bigger by the film’s conclusion. He ends up as kind of the final girl of the movie. And then here comes Traci Lords and her partner who have missed everything. And then the movie mercifully ends. 

I need to go clean up the broken glass from the frame holding my degree before I cut my foot and can’t drive to the gelato place. 

See ya next time!

Director: Jim Wynorski

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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