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Shark Season: Madsen Madness

I cannot explain to you good people why Michael Madsen has top billing in this movie, nor can I justify his horrible performance. He literally reads his entire script off a cue card while sitting in one room for the whole movie. This is not hyperbole. I swear this to you. I think he also had a pretty bad face lift. I used to love his gravelly voice, his swagger. Now I want to set him on fire and roast my marshmallows on his sagging plastic face. 

Ok deep breath in … and out. There. Better now. 

But seriously, how dare he befowl the sharksploitation genre with this subpar shitstain of a performance. He was also in 2018’s Megalodon which was also a stinker. In that movie he tried, at least. I am so disappointed in you, Madsen. 

What about the rest of the film? The other actors? Plot? They all can all pucker up and kiss my lily white ass. The reason why this movie burns my butter so much is because someone funded this. Someone paid money to put effort into making a movie and then turned around and made it the blandest piece of fish films to grace the Dark Lord’s great earth. 

Oh honey, I am not even close to done with insulting via metaphors. 

The only nice comment I have is that it’s lucky it came out in 2020. Compared to everything else, it ain’t that bad. The “plot” of this movie follows Madsen’s daughter who, along with a make-up artist and photog ex-boyfriend, all kayak way way WAY out to a rock formation in the middle of the ocean for a photo shoot. None of the actors know how to kayak. It’s hilarious to see the drone footage of these bumbling fools thrashing their paddles and veering widely off course. Also, the rock formation is clearly man-made but that is never spoken about. 

Anyhoo, there is obviously a great white shark hunting these imbeciles. The filmmakers play that old tried and true “real shark/fake shark” game except the real shark parts are the same clip over and over. The photographer ex gets eaten and the girls are thrust into a fight for survival. The most boring fight for survival ever. At some point the girls have a fight about whether to call 911 or Michael Madsen’s character for help. In another scene, dolphins attack the shark. These girls do nothing to help themselves and spew bad acting all over us like cinematic bukkake.

The ending? You don’t even want to know. I will tell you this. It is neither exciting nor realistic. We get to see Madsen again though. He’s still sitting in that room squinting and straining to read those cue cards as if he was the bastard love child of an animated corpse and Mickey Rourke’s face. 

Wow, you guys. Thanks for listening. I feel a little better getting that off my chest. Also, don’t watch this movie. 

Director: Jared Cohn

Where to watch: Don’t

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