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Shark Lords: Sharksploitation and Copulation

“Since the dawn of time, sharks have ruled the seas. Now, two men will fight to take their kingdom … by force.”

By tapping the sharks’ asses. 

This series of approximately 13 minute shorts was brought into existence by Cake for FX in 2019 and I have no earthly idea about two things: how did this end up on Hulu for all the innocent, non-shark-fucking world to see and how the hell did I not know about this sooner? 

You may think to yourself “There is no way they will actually fuck a shark on this show.” I assure you, they do. This is a comedy and as massively deranged as the entire premise is, nothing is taken seriously. But there will be shark fucking, folks. Not pornographic shark fucking that shows every torrid detail. I mean, they blur out the penii (penises?). But there will be shark fucking, kiddos. 

Two brothers, Kenneth and Bradon, are New Zealanders who have a bit of fame from extreme sports. They decide fucking a shark is a humdinger of a way to show dominion over these lords of the ocean. It’s like a new extreme sport to them. Kenneth has brain damage from BASE jumping without a chute. Bradon is just a complete tool with a misguided sense of the workings of justice and humanity. They team up with Dr. Evelyn, an older handsome woman who is a marine biologist with dementia. Also on board for the ride is Kitty who is in love with Bradon, and Tim who is the target of the brothers’ constant torment and derision. 

But mainly, this is a show about two guys trying to fuck sharks. They start with a Porbeagle and move onto Oceanic Whitetips, a Mako and finally the Great White. Do they copulate with all of them? You will need to watch to find out. However, I guarantee you will be praying that they don’t. Every single time. 

Is this a glorifcation of bestiality in its highest, watery, toothy form? According to Kenneth and Bradon, “It’s not bestiality … we’re not ejaculating!” Fair enough. The brothers have drills where they train to be able to produce and sustain an erection in order to be able to do the deed when their natural proclivity might be to … um … not do that. So they practice fuck thrusting with a giant stuffed shark plushy. 

Shark Lords has a little story revolving around the rampant narcissism and delusions of the brothers. Kitty is trying to bang Bradon while Bradon is trying real hard to dominate dangerous animals “in their greasy vents.” These guys do a lot of unthinkable things as the show moves along. Yet, you like them. You don’t like them a lot, but you like them. Ah, the power of humor. 

There are really two … ahem … climaxes in the show. The first one is a violation of that bestiality rule I mentioned earlier. That causes quite the kerfuffle on the boat and a rift between the brothers. The second is kind of obvious if you follow this Yellow Brick Road of fish fucking to its cloacal Emerald City. Try to fuck a Great White. Of course. 

Besides the consistent level of low taste and discomfort that this show provides, Bradon does some really messed up shit toward the end of the show. I won’t give it away but let’s just say when you bring your excruciatingly adorable pug who is dressed in a seal suit into this travesty, you have crossed the muthafuckin line, sir. 

What can I say about this show? It is truly disturbing which both creeps me out and tickles my black little bizarro heart. I’m not mad at myself for watching it. It has some pretty funny moments. I did reinforce the crotch of my wet suits though. Just in case sharks know about this show and seek to enact revenge on marine biologist sharksploitation review bloggers. I don’t want to make it too easy for them. 

See ya next time!

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