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Shark Lake: Bull Shark Bullshit

I was a little unsure how Dolph Lundgren would factor into this movie. Turns out, he was the best thing about it. And that’s not saying much, folks. 

One thing I will say about Dolph is that he looks damn good. Men always seem to look better with age. You bastards. The sharks, on the other hand, look fucking terrible. They are bull sharks which bring a touch of credibility to a movie about killer sharks in a lake. Yet, once again, shark filmmakers seem to forget what shark teeth look like. I know this: they do not look like those of a Pennywise that desperately needs braces. Ever. The day I see a sharksploitation film get the teeth right, I will throw the biggest and best Satanic midget orgy the world has ever known. Hey, you celebrate your way, I’ll celebrate mine. 

Clint (Dolph)  is a former illegal wildlife trader who abandoned his daughter when he got nabbed by the Po Po. The Sheriff’s deputy, Meredith, adopts her and is terrified that her Dad will find her and take her away. Meredith is a bit of an asshole. Really, she’s not a likeable person whatsoever. 

Hey little girl, have you seen my personality?

An older man is mauled by what authorities think is a bear. An oceanographer named Peter figures out it isn’t a bear when a couple ravers get eaten and one of their arms is found. It’s a bull shark! Wait, not one bull shark! Three bull sharks! You see, apparently, Clint dumped a pregnant one into the lake before going to the hoosegow. You never find out why. The plot holes in Shark Lake are profound and almost impressive. 

Put the pregnant shark in the lake, or so help me…

The daughter runs off to look for her Dad and Meredith thinks he kidnapped her. She and Peter try to find him on the lake only to sink and go all ”Open Water” on our asses. Clint rescues Meredith and redeems himself in her eyes by wrestling with a shark to save his daughter. He Dolphs the shit out of that shark. That might sound badass, folks, but trust me. Even that scene is MEH.

Shark Lake is an exercise in mediocrity. I think they were trying so hard to develop characters that they completely forgot about the shark movie part of the shark movie. If you enjoy Lifetime made-for-TV movies about tough-as-nails moms fighting to survive in this topsy-turvy world (wow, that was a lot of hyphens), then this one’s for you. Not even the mighty power of Dolph could muster up anything interesting. Shame on you, Shark Lake. 

Now would someone please work on those teeth? I am way overdue for a Satanic midget orgy. 

See ya next time!

Director: Jerry Dugan

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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