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Shark Killer: Bond Buddy Rom-Com

This movie has the gloss of a network television crime drama. It’s part rom-com, part buddy film and part James Bond. Oh and there’s a shark thrown in so they can call it a shark movie on your handy Amazon Prime search. The hero, Chase, looks exactly like a morph of Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth. All said, I didn’t hate it. 

The beginning of the movie is a full on Jaws rip off so I was very skeptical. Eyes were rolling. I settled in to my sofa fully prepared to be underwhelmed. Tacos were involved as is protocol for these situations. Tacos are my spoonful of sugar to help the mediocrity go down. 

Chase gets bamboozled into hunting down the black-finned Great White that ate his adopted brother’s diamond. A diamond which is the biggest in the world. Chase’s brother fancies himself a crime boss and has a sexy, smart lawyer named Jasmine who becomes Chase’s guide in his hunt. Chase knows how to kill sharks. I guess that’s important. 

Chase and Jasmine comprise the rom-com portion of this film. Through their pedestrian banter and predictable flirtation, they get sweet on each other. Whatever. 

Chase gets beckoned by a bigger crime boss who looks like Dr. Evil and runs a meth lab manned by attractive women in their undies. It is he who owns the diamond! So now Chase has two assholes waiting for him to kill Black Fin and divvy up the goods. This is the James Bond portion. He even has a secret lair housing his huge diamond collection. He relates to diamonds because like him, they are indestructible! Mwaa-ha-ha-ha!!!

Yah, we see the shark periodically as he eats a few people and a dog. I know. Dog? Not acceptable, but at least they don’t show that. There’s a scene where the shark chases Chase (sigh) and Jasmine through a shipwreck. Black Fin must have dipped into that meth stash because he’s jittery and moves way faster than any shark has a right to. He kind of looks like an accurate Great White if you squint your salsa-effected watery eyes. 

Dr. Evil ain’t letting Chase’s brother get that diamond so he kills almost the entire crew and kidnaps Jasmine so he can get all rapey and gross with her. Chase teams up with his cowardly and annoying brother to try to get her back. This is where the buddy film portion comes into play. It’s like Supernatural but without the magic of the music of Kansas or good jokes. I’ll be honest. By this point, I was not mad at Chase. Easy on the eyes if you catch my drift. So I was letting a lot slide.

I’m just leaving this here.

They find Jasmine in Dr. Evil’s lair and there is a final showdown of sorts. That leads to another final showdown because Bond villains do not die easily. We all know that. 

Then we have to wrap up the whole Black Fin/diamond thing. So that is yet another final showdown. Even in the Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit of final showdowns, these characters still crack wise and flirt their way into a semblance of a climax. My favorite part was the multiple close-ups of the shark’s eye for no reason whatsoever. Still, a little “Carry on, Wayward Son” would have made the medicine go down. The tacos weren’t quite enough this time.

This movie is pretty entertaining, truth be told. The acting was not the worst of this sub-genre though we all know that bar is not hard to breach. Perhaps they should think about another major network spinoff starring these kooky kids. Law and Order: Shark Killer. Blacklist, Black Fin. Sharky Night Lights. Chicago Fin. I dunno. They get paid to figure this shit out. 

See ya next time!

Director: Sheldon Wilson

Where to Watch: Amazon Prime

It is important to note that the content created for this blog is the work of disparate, brilliant authors and contributors. But that said, content does not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of Madness Heart Press. — John Baltisberger

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