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Shark Exorcist: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Cross

There aren’t many movies that I can’t do in one sitting. I mean, I watched five Sharknado movies in one day. This one…I took about 15 smoke breaks and hard-boiled some eggs just to have a short reprieve from this steaming turd of a film. Director: Donald Farmer

It is a damn shame because it starts off pretty awesome with a great premise. A nun is on the lam for torturing and killing a bunch of kids. We see her walking slowly through a cemetery to the water’s edge. She is confronted about her crimes by an angry woman. The nun stabs her and lays her in the water. She offers her victim as a sacrifice to Lord Satan to bring her an avenger! Then we see the shark, eyes a-glow, animated by a first year film student who maybe took three classes of CGI 101. Hey, that’s okay. I understood this was low budget going in. I can forgive that when we are talking about a Satanic psychotic nun invoking a Satanic psychotic shark! Yay!

After the credits, my dreams for a so-bad-it’s-good movie experience were drowned dead in hot holy water. First of all, the water we are talking about is a lake. A lake? Where did the great white come from? I guess it is not a normal shark, it’s satanic. Gotta keep the salinity level low. 

Enter the bikini-clad bimbos. Most of the movie, and I am not exaggerating, consists of long lingering shots of women’s bodies with no reason. There is no attempt to cast actors. Just who looks best in a bikini. Every scene goes on and on with not much happening at all. This movie could have been done in about 20 minutes if they just got to the point. And if you simply adore Casio keyboard music, this one’s for you. 

The shark attacks are a hoot. Everyone seems to be getting attacked before the shark gets anywhere near them. Never do you actually see the shark inflicting any bodily damage. That would be way too advanced for these filmmakers. The first victim, Ally, is attacked and I swear I cut myself shaving worse this morning. She becomes the land lubbing minion of the devil shark. She seduces hapless victims into the water, disappears under the surface and they get eaten. Does she become the shark? Does she just summon it? We never find out and trust me, you won’t care. 

One of her sacrificial lambs happens to be the brother of a priest. Now, for a movie about a shark exorcist, his screen time is about 5 full minutes total. God forbid we cut out any of the bikini time. We see him mostly looking at pics of the devil on his cell phone and crossing himself a lot. 

Where this movie really shines is the writhing. I have never in my life seen so many women writhing on the ground. The writhing seems to be contagious, sometimes sexual, but always pointless. Like every other shot of a woman, the scene lingers for a good ten freaking minutes. I guess it is appropriate that I kept whispering “Dear Lord” to myself often during my viewing. If anything was going to make me pray to end my suffering, it is Shark Exorcist. 

I wish I could explain the evolution of the plot to you guys. I can’t. The plot is as flavorful as a can of lime La Croix. Ally lures people to their deaths. There is a rivalry between a show called Ghost Whackers and one called Ghost Fakers. It wasn’t even important to the movie but at least I remembered something. The priest ends up trying to exorcise Ally but all I could gather from the shitty audio and horrible editing was that it didn’t work. The shark makes an appearance in the sky a couple times. 

Are y’all confused? Good. That is all you can expect from this piece of sharksploitation trash. I usually defend bad shark movies. There are usually some fun moments and campy gore. This offered me nothing. NOTHING! (on knees, shaking fist in air)

Oh wait, there’s more. We get treated to not one but two after credit scenes indicating some plans to make a Shark Exorcist sequel. Someone needs to find that sequel and kill it with hellfire in its crib. 

Okay I am taking a deep breath and cleansing my damaged mind from any memory of this movie. Time to make some deviled eggs. 

See ya next time!

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