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Shark Attack: Casper Van Poetry

Folks, you may not know this about me but I am also a poet. My review this week is a poetic reflection on this movie. Anything else, I would lose my shit. But I use the term “poetry” loosely here. Don’t you dare judge me. I watched this movie so you don’t have to. I am a god damn hero.

Port Amanzi Africa 

Guy marine biologist has device that makes sounds

Gets attacked by dudes

Exotic African beats and foggy shit

They slice his arm and throw him in

Florida, marine bio student

Casper is BFFs with Tom Brady IRL

Which makes total sense aesthetically

12 shark attacks in 3 months

Journal of Marine Biology WOW

Found dude’s watch in its liver??

1999 (remember the year)

Ernie Hudson = Ghostbusters

Fishing devastated by shark attacks

Finds out his buddy is dead in the most lethargic way ever


Red tide

Corinne= sister of dead dude

Any excuse for a brawl

American! You did good out there

Local tribe knows the deal

Thumper makes heartbeat-y sounds

Attracts sharks to corral them

Shady scientist smokes a lot and says “anytime”’ twice

What accents are these?? 

Catch one liver deformed 

Not even a white shark

Inflammation of the brain

Reverted back to primal instinct

Cells- dark spots- hormones because why?

“Think of the shark system as an engine, if you drive it too hard or too fast it’ll burn out”

Cure for cancer

Synthetic growth hormones

The boy! He almost died but didn’t

Is he sharky now?

Kidnapped by bad guys

Casper and boring Corinne thrown into water like the first dude

Miraculously find an O2  tank

(We can afford one car crash make it good)

Bunch of gross patients

Abandoned by Dr Craven (smoking guy)

Only shark? WTF?

Break into lab

Come up with a totally ineffective way of dispatching bad guys

Trade with Corinne

And hotel guy wants to develop too many things


Oh like a twist 

Locals and action and shooting and what not


Evil guys laughing a lot

They enjoyed feeding dude to the shark 

Bad financier guy shoots smoker scientist with harpoon

All the sudden he’s good guy, but not really

Helicopter fight with bad guy

Sharks only eat bad guy

Casper alone on a calm sea looking fabulous

Recommendation nope

Director: Bob Misiorowski, Mandy Branch (two of you and this is what you came up with?)

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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