I know, I know. It’s May. It is not even halfway to Christmas. However, when one comes across a movie called Santa Jaws, regardless of the time of year, one watches the damn thing.
The film opens with an evil Santa holding a girl hostage at the business end of a Christmas tree. There is a shark swimming around. A man with a facial scar shows up and spews one-liners at Santa like “No sugar cookies for you! You’re gonna eat your words!” and “See you in Jingle Hell!”. Eventually, evil Santa is eaten by the shark who then swims away with his hat on its fin.
Sounds amazing, right? Except that it is just a comic book that a kid named Cody wrote. It’s not real. Poop.
But wait! Cody’s grandfather gives him a special pen for Christmas that brings drawings to life. Cody gets in trouble with his parents and angrily draws Santa Jaws with the pen, wishing everyone would just go away. Faster than you can say “Bells on shark tails ring”, we have a real life Santa Jaws, complete with hat and jingle bell theme song!
Cody and his grandfather go on their annual Christmas eve fishing trip, and when the grandfather drops his eggnog in the water, Santa Jaws claims its first victim. No one believes Cody when he tries to tell his family that Papa was eaten by a Great White that growls “Ho Ho Ho” softly as it swims the murky depths. I mean, who wouldn’t believe that?
Cody gets grounded and his family takes off to prepare for a party. He runs over to the comic book store and tries to recruit the owner and his friend to help him. We learn the backstory of Cody’s creation. First of all, Santa Jaws is a “she”. She ate an evil Santa and grew twice her size and strength. Shunned by her fellow shark community, she is a lone wolf, prowling the seas for all things Christmas.
There are some fun kills in this movie. Santa Jaws always shows up in a frenzy of jing-a-lings and sometimes there’s even a little gore. This is a comedy, though. Don’t expect too much violence here, folks. Think Home Alone meets Krampus as seen in a marine biologist’s DMT-induced fevered wet dream. One by one, Cody’s family gets eaten. Hey, he wished to be alone, he gets to be alone. Stupid cursed pen!
The remaining merry band of misfits figure out that maybe if the pen brought Santa Jaws to life, it can take her ass out. Cody uses the pen to erase her teeth and impale her with a candy cane harpoon. It backfires and turns her into something much more fantastic! Tee-hee!
As predicted, Cody and his family come together to put an end to this blue Christmas. The last stand involves turkeys, dynamite, a catapult and the song “Ave Maria”. Does it work? Is this the end of Santa Jaws? What happens to the cursed pen? Can Cody bring his family back to life?
I think we all know the answers to these questions. This movie is not an explosion of innovative plot twists and unique storylines. It is super fun though. I was charmed. My pine needles quivered and my candy cane stood erect. I felt like I was making snow angels in a pile of chocolate gold coins. My urine turned to hot cocoa.
So this movie now becomes an annual Christmas staple for me. The Grinch can suck my left one. Santa Jaws forever!
See ya next time!
Director: Misty Talley
Where to watch: Good luck finding this one. I think it is available on Hoopla. I got it as part of one of those 6 movie DVD sets because I am a giant nerd.