30 minutes of movie in a feature-length film…
So far, I’ve been pretty disappointed with the majority of Shudder Originals, save Mayhem (2020), which was a fucking hoot. Basically, Shudder is 1-3 here and Mayhem doesn’t quite make up for the other three films. However, if you want the ‘too long; didn’t read’ version of this review, it would be “Watch Mayhem instead.”
I originally wasn’t even going to review this movie. HELL, I wasn’t even gonna watch this fucking movie… However, I was convinced by some fans to do a ‘Live Reaction/Review’ and this one seemed appropriate as it was downright unwatchable in the first 5 minutes. If you’re going to do a reaction/review, it’s most appropriate for something you have STRONG fucking reactions to… However, I learned the hard way that I don’t have the equipment to shoot a video as the whole thing was completely un-fucking-usable.
SO, I find myself in the precarious situation of having watched this pile of trash. Might as well do a written review.
And if you couldn’t tell yet, my review boils don’t to “don’t watch this pile of trash…” The thing is, like many of the other Shudder Originals, there just wasn’t enough movie in the fucking movie to justify a feature-length film. They’ve had issues with this in the past with movies like Sea Feaver (2019) and The Beach House (2020). They’re great concepts, but there just isn’t enough meat on the bone to stretch the film for a full hour and a half. Indeed, Sea Fever and The Beach House had about 45mns of material and came off as poorly paced and stretched thin. There were both kinda boring and while they had excellent concepts worthy of note, I didn’t bother doing a review of either BECAUSE they were so fucking boring. Thus, in a nutshell, that’s my review of both movies. Neat concept, ultimately boring.
But The Shed (2020) was so much worse than just poorly paced and stretched thin. The acting was abysmal, the plot was nearly incoherent, (which is fucking amazing as it was stupidly simple), there was almost no continuity which made every scene seem forced, and if there was EVEN enough movie to fill a 30mn short, I’d be fucking shocked.
The movie opens with two of its most unforgivable scenes so I don’t even have to go into the spoilers to pan it. In the first scene, a vampire bites some random farmer, then is dusted by a ray of sunlight. The farmer turns instantly, becoming immediately burned by the sun, but then manages to run through daylight to the safety of the shed from which this whole movie gets its name. Already there’s no continuity and it’s just the opening scene. A single ray of sunshine reduced the first vampire to a pile of dust. The farmer INSTANTLY turns, the sunlight already charing his hand, but then he just runs right through sunlight. I guess they ran out of budget for the smoke effect…
What’s worse is that this could’ve been easily fixed by a rewrite where it takes the farmer a few seconds to turn. Give him BARELY enough time to seek shelter from the sun in the shed. BOOM, continuity fixed and it even makes for a better plot later on down the road.
That’s just the first minute and a half. The next three minutes are tied up by a dream sequence with some of the WORST FUCKING ACTING I’ve ever seen. It’s unforgivably bad, and it initially made my wife and I shut the movie off. Remember, I wasn’t planning on reviewing this movie, or even watching it. Shutting it off in the first five minutes puts it right up there with The Bay (2012). That means the acting is worse than porno. It’s about the equivalent of an after school special. And even after the dream sequence is over, the continuity and acting don’t get any better.
That basically brings me to the spoilers. But first, to recap, fuck this boring-ass SLOG of a movie.
The first major issue is how and when they decide the vampires are burned by sunlight. They dedicate whole scenes to showing that the slightest ray will cause their skin to fucking char, but then they have whole scenes devoted to the damn vampire being right out in the sunlight. Remember, in the beginning, one fucking ray through the trees turns the first vampire into a pile of ash. Then the protagonist’s asshole friend gets turned, crawls right out into the sun, and basically survives it. Yeah, they cover him with a bedsheet, but… come fucking on. A bed sheet isn’t going to protect anyone from the damn sun. A normal human can get a sunburn through a bedsheet on a hot enough day.
SO, at one point the protagonist decides he’s just gonna kill the first vampire stuck in his shed by drilling holes into it and slowly exposing it to sunlight. But then he just doesn’t… no discernable reason, just doesn’t do it. Like, starts to do it, then stops for no reason. What the actual fuck is that?
Those aren’t the only continuity problems, they’re just the most damning. There’s really nothing redeemable about this boring-ass movie. I don’t just NOT recommend it, it’s going on my list of “All-Time Worst.”
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