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Reed Alexander’s Horror Review of ‘Splice’ (2009)

Don’t pretend to make horror if you wanna make a porno…


YUP! We’re starting with the spoilers, and you know what that means… FUCK. THIS. MOVIE…

I can tell you that this is going to be triggery for some people, so fair warning now, but long story short, don’t watch this sad excuse for xenophilia porn.

Strike one! And really, this should have been the only strike I fucking needed. How I made it through this completely pointless, BDSM humiliation scene was actually a stretch.

First, the main characters MAKE A FUCKING POINT to treat this creature as their daughter. The female lead bonds with it, and creates a mother like connection. But they make a pretty strong point of hinting that she’s a former child abuse victim. So what happens? She starts getting frustrated with her child-rearing and starts abusing. Now, as hard as this plotline already is, it’s understandable to express this in some way. This whole movie is like “Frankenstein” coupled with the fears of child-rearing for former abuse victims.

Now, if they left it at that, it would have been fine. But this whole movie was constantly pushing the envelope. So then this bitch straps the creature to a medical table, CUTS HER CLOTHING OFF FOR NO FUCKING REASON, to remove the stinger and poison glands on her tail. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT!?!? We really needed to show some alien titty that bad?! Look, the TAIL wasn’t covered by her dress, and you DIDN’T need to strip the child monster bare to remove the tail stinger.

OH, BUT APPARENT-FUCKING-LY THAT WASN’T FAR ENOUGH!! NO!!! So after the male lead bonds with it as the creature’s father… HE FUCKS IT!!!

Now, I can kinda get that he’s the only male she’s ever seen. I understand that it’s using some fucked up pheromones to seduce him. I get that the needed tension between the ever-increasing morality curve. But Jesus fucking Christ… he considered the thing as his daughter, and he had the station of a father figure. The whole point is to teach the creature the proper human morals. Maybe show some fucking restraint? When the fuck did this movie become the Adventures of Alien Lolita?!

OH, BUT WE’RE NOT FUCKING DONE YET! Oh no, there was one more boundary they hadn’t crossed, and it was the one that finally got me to shut the fucking movie off. How the fuck I made it this fucking far was beyond me as the movie was already bad enough?! And I read the synopsis. None of this completely unforgivable bullshit was even hinted at!

So what’s worse than some xenophilia step-parent fantasy?… Alien rape! Whoever the fuck wrote this (the director apparently) REALLY wanted to make a porno… So, they have the creature change sex and rape the female lead. Listen, this is right up there with the Super Rape Zombie from Day Of The Dead: Bloodline. The plot was just looking for one shameless excuse after another for something I expect to see in Hentai, not in Horror!

I don’t have a problem with Sexploitation, but I draw the line rape! I made the rule and I’m sticking to it. You base your plot off rape, and I’m done with your movie! There was ZERO fucking reason for it. There was BARELY any fucking reason for all the bullshit leading up to it. EVERY-FUCKING-ONE involved in this project should be fucking ashamed of them-damn-selves!

Look, if someone want’s to Pornhub this shit, that’s between them and their pecker. But don’t fucking blindside audiences with some seriously triggering shit that could spark a PTSD episode. Can you imagine some former abuse or rape victim heading into the theater expecting an Alien knockoff and getting a full-blown panic attack in fucking public? Fucking shame on you.

Fuck this movie and fuck everyone involved.

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