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Ouija Shark: An Unpredictably Predictable Surprise

A pale and pierced girl in a Satanic T-shirt finds a homemade Ouija board on a lakeside beach. It doesn’t take a genius to put together the entire plot of this movie. You could be in a coma finished with a valium chaser and still figure this one out. Yet, there were a few little surprises hidden inside. I didn’t say they were good surprises. Just surprises. You be the judge. 

The Satan girl (didn’t catch her name nor does it matter) meets up with her girlfriends to house sit and lounge around the pool. One of them spots a neighbor man washing his car and decides to join him. This has absolutely fuck all to do with the movie, yet we are treated to a long slo-mo car washing sequence complete with rock music that I assume was created by the director’s college roommate’s garage band. Like this director’s other movie, Jurassic Shark, there’s a lot of extraneous stuff thrown in that adds nothing to the movie but running time. Cut the shit, Brett. 

The girls decide to test drive the Ouija board. The Satan girl whips out a planchette. She didn’t find that on the beach so my guess is she just has one for such an occasion. At this point, I began to like this girl (I say this as I gaze toward my backpack of assorted planchettes). While they dabble, a ghostly shark pops out of the board and the spirit says “hungry” a couple times. Satan girl has a dream that night about a shark and calls her Dad. The actor playing her Dad seems half asleep but still manages to be the most interesting character of the movie. He is an expert on Ouija boards, dream interpretation and ghosts. Super convenient!

Meanwhile, an awkward teen couple is eating crackers in the woods, only to be attacked by a buck-toothed sharky apparition who gives chase at a glacial jogging pace and growls a lot. I should point out that the kills basically equate to the victim disappearing into thin air. But in this scene, we see a little gore. I think someone off screen throws a bucket of Kool-aid at a tree. Savage.

My favorite scene is when one of the girls gets stoned by the pool and offers Ouija Shark a hit. We really get a good look at him. Of course, the teeth are wrong but he’s really kind of adorable. Reminds me of Sharkenstein. But see-through. 

Shit. I gave him the munchies.

The Dad figures out that someone must have attached a shark spirit to the Ouija board. He whips out a Tarot deck that he must have found on the internet and made on his dot-matrix printer. He informs his daughter that she’s in danger and that the Ouija board must have picked her because of their family history with the occult. Wait…what? See, that’s when the movie could have gotten a little fun. Let’s dig into that, shall we? Nope. Fuck you, person who shelled out $3.99 to rent this film. Fuck you hard. 

I feel that I should mention here that this review is going all the way through spoiler town with no bathroom breaks. I have to do this in order for you to understand my pain. Shhhh…I’ll be gentle. 

Satan girl gets a leather jacket and a gun from the trunk of a random car. She meets up with a guy in a trenchcoat that mutters some words that you can barely hear because the audio in this movie is completely jacked. Her Dad consults a fortune teller and draws the shark to himself through the Spencer’s Gift crystal ball that changes colors and retails for $19.99 (Yes, I bought one. Who are you to judge me?). Dad gets disappeared by Ouija Shark. Satan girl gets chased into a house in the woods. A cop who is looking for the cracker couple gets chased into the house too. It becomes quite clear that ghost or not, Ouija Shark can’t go through walls or doors. What’s the point of being spectral then? 

Now for the “surprises” I mentioned earlier. Out of the window of the house, we see an epic battle ensue between Ouija Shark and Satan girl’s Dad. Ouija Shark spits orange ghost balls at Dad. Dad uses his “occult training” to conjure a fiery spinny thing from his hands and poof! They vanish anti-climatically. 

Um…alrighty then.

Ouija Shark makes one last appearance outside the house that it cannot seem to penetrate with its ethereal form. Satan girl says “This is for my Dad, you aquatic douchebag” and shoots the Ouija board. That seems to do the trick. 

Trenchcoat guy shows back up and calls Donald Trump to report that the experiment was a success. Even though it really wasn’t. You see, this was all the MAGA-master’s diabolical plan to do…I’m not sure what exactly. Was this entire movie a veiled excuse to bash Trump? I’m on board with it. 

I’ll give a couple slow claps to Ouija Shark just because they added some unexpected elements that made my eyes roll in different directions than usual. 

Director: Brett Kelly

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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