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Open Water 3: Cage Dive (with the worst person on Earth)

Once in a while, one watches a movie that features the most horrible human being imaginable (I’m looking right at you, Dolores Umbridge). Open Water 3 is one of those movies.

This is a found footage film. Found footage has been done to death. However, it does work in this movie and the vantage points from the camera hold true to reality. Sometimes the characters forget about the camera and it floats away far enough to catch the action from afar, rather than up the actor’s nostrils. It dips beneath the water exposing the murky silhouette of a stealthy shark right under their feet. It captures the secret love affair Megan is having with Jeff’s brother, Josh.

Who is Megan, you ask? Only the stupidest, most annoying idiot I have watched in a long time. I wanted to set myself on fire because I couldn’t set HER on fire. Fuck Megan.

As typical in a FF movie, a camera is found by a diver and it is soon clear that this is the video diary of the final days of three missing Americans who were cage diving in Australia. The boat was hit by a rogue wave while they were in the cage. I’ll pause until you finish rolling your eyes. Done? Ok, so the movie is done in a documentary style with interviews with the diver and the cousin of the boys. There are news reports and press conferences and all kinds of stuff. Like it’s real, y’all.

Roll footage. And we meet these three morons. It takes over 30 minutes for any shark attacks so you have to tediously and thoroughly get to know these people. They are filming their adventure as an audition tape for a reality game show called Guts & Glory. They start off with footage of extremely dangerous stunts like riding a roller coaster and giving your money to carnival games you will never win. Super dangerous.

We learn that Jeff is about to propose to Megan. The camera is accidentally left on and we see Megan is cheating on Jeff with his brother Josh. Is that why you think she is such a bitch, Susan? No. It gets so much worse.

Eventually they make it to the land of vegemite and venom and the cage diving trip goes a tad bit sideways. They end up in the water sans cage and surrounded by white pointers. I have to say that having been cage diving myself, it’s a very accurate representation of the excitement and anticipation you feel before you get into that cage. As they entered the water with 19 foot sharks, I myself released my bowels exactly at the moment the characters would have in the film. See…authentic.

From here on out, it’s not very different than the first and much superior Open Water movie. Floating, panicking, shriveling, shivering. Sharks eat some folks from time to time. Megan won’t shut up and freaks out a lot. After a while, the three find a life raft. A wicked nice one with a tent on top. It’s filled with water and food and first aid and flares. They are saved! They see a survivor floating by and they save her too! Oh happy day!

Here comes Megan. True to her form, she wigs out and sets off a flare inside the raft which proceeds to catch fire, burning the survivor they just saved alive inside. Definitely the most disturbing part of the movie is watching that poor lady scream as she is cooked inside the tent. In one fell swoop Megan manages to wipe out all their food, water, shelter and means of signaling for rescue AND kills someone. Oh wait. That’s still not all. Megan then deflects the blame to anyone but herself and she finally gets called out for lying and cheating on Jeff. How can both of these men fall in love with this dumbass? Idiots. The lot of them.

But by the sweet relief of the gods themselves, she gets eaten. I suppose that was a spoiler. You won’t care. You will be praying for her demise by that point in the movie.

All in all, this isn’t the worst shark movie on Earth. It just features one of the worst characters on Earth. Please excuse me while I calm myself with a quaalude and clean up my shit stained sofa.

Fucking Megan.

See ya next time!

Director: Gerald Rascionato

Where to Watch: Amazon Prime

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