I scraped, licked, and scoured the depths of the world wide web to find this gem of deplorable insanity called Nazi Sharks for you folks. And there it was, clear as the nose on my face (that will be funnier later, I promise) and free for the taking on Amazon Prime.
Then I saw the running time was just over 5 minutes.
Then I read the reviews. Oh my god, the reviews, you guys.
“My wife and I wept openly at the end of this beautiful masterpiece and then proceeded to shag on the living room floor in pure ecstasy. I deleted the video of my daughter’s first birthday in order to make room for this movie on my hard drive…10/10!”
“Everything about this movie is perfect. This movie alone stopped me from considering suicide.”
“By far, hands-down, the best Nazi shark movie I have ever seen, and quite likely ever produced.”
“I wasn’t ready for how awe inspiring this movie would be. Truly an informative historical masterpiece.”
Extraordinarily sarcastic movie reviews are kind of like my thing so reading these warmed the cockles of my little black heart. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
I almost tripped over myself to press the “watch now” button.
I…I cannot accurately explain how nauseatingly bad this is. Yet, I find it may be my favorite thing since Funko came out with the Black Phillip vinyl Pop figure. I had to change my panty shield twice. My gums bled. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.
Now, you and I both know that you won’t actually watch this, despite a running time so short it bends the fabric of space and time. So allow me to give you the play-by-play of the cinematic opus known as Nazi Sharks.
We see a bikini lady in the water. I use the word “see” very loosely here as the quality is like watching the film though the Cryptkeeper’s cataracts. Maybe not even that good.
We are in Clearwater Florida according to the fuzzy letters on the screen.
Dr. Beck Jenkins, Sharkologist enters the movie and behind him in the tank, a shark stolen directly from the 1975 arcade game Maneater swims by. Then a real shark. Then Maneater.
The camera zooms intently and directly toward Dr. Beck’s nostrils as he states “These sharks are acting so strange. Almost…too strange”.
Blurry footage of Adolph himself backdrop these words:
“At the height of WWII, Hitler ordered a secret project in which sharks would receive dormant brain implants making them aggressive at command. The project was a success”.
A video game style Nazi flag waves to the haunting sound of tickling ivories. Profound.
I would say there are a number of quick scenes in this film that don’t belong or make any sense, however, that is the entire film. We see a guy diving with real sharks. Quickly and for no apparent reason.
Dr. Beck’s face appears again, nostrils prominent and strong.
We are now in Germany- present day. The synth music goes wild, I mean really cuckoo nuts. Dr. Beck walks around in the woods and we see up his nose a bunch. He stumbles upon a cave but I am guessing here since the film quality is as appealing as shit on a shingle. But he definitely stumbles upon…something.
Music goes into a total dubstep meltdown and the video game Nazi flag waves again, proudly and defiantly.
The Beckster is walking into a video game tunnel and then poof…he is in a real aquarium. He glares at the poor innocent sharks in the aquarium, those unfortunate creatures unaware that they are part of this shit show, and he laments “These damn Nazi sharks.”
Oh no, an army guy with a Spirit of Halloween GI Joe costume and a big gun finds him! There is now an outside shot in the sunshine and grass with scaffolding of some type. Then another army guy with a gun in sudden snowfall. Now back to Beck’s concerned flaring nostrils in the sunshine.
Footage of a military drone appears, and the army guy looks right at us! So meta! Then the drone just blows up and the scaffolding explodes. There is no semblance of an explanation for this.
Beck runs through the aquarium. The fake Nazi flag lowers slowly amidst a sea of red shit which might be flames. We see up Dr. Beck’s nose. The fake aquarium tunnels are flooded by fake aquarium water.
For the final time, we are given an intricate shot of Beck’s nostrils. (Thankfully he has no bears in the cave, if ya know what I mean).
Fuzzy letters hauntingly tease the words “The End?” But with a question mark. Get it?
I would now like to point out that I have written my longest blog on the shortest sharksploitation movie I ever saw. That is the power of Nazi Sharks. Feel free to act this out in interpretive dance at dinner parties. Spread the word, people.
This director has also made something called Bearcano. I went off to find that one so fast I left skid marks on my sofa.
See ya next time!
Director and featured nostrils: Mario Xavier
Where to watch: Amazon Prime- do it NOW.