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Megalodon: This movie wants YOU…for the Navy

Full disclosure. I only picked this one to watch because Michael Madden is in it. He is a ridiculous man. Unfortunately, he isn’t it in a lot so all the ridiculous in this movie comes in the form of a thinly veiled Navy recruitment film with a splash of shark thrown in for taste.

Evil Russians in a submarine are trying to drill into the SPCC (I don’t know what that is either, folks) which is at the bottom of the sea. This is apparently an evil thing to do. They awaken the giant megalodon who bites the sub and leaves it disabled on the seafloor. We will come back to this later. Just make note that Russians are evil. 

Cut to the USS Shaw, chock to the brim with the Navy’s finest, including our Madden. We are expected to believe he is an Admiral in the Navy yet he gives his new cadets a pep talk with his leg up on the railing like Captain Morgan and a voice like Jaeger-saturated gravel. This motley crew discovers the sub’s wreckage and deploys a diving bell submersible thingy that looks like Mechagodzilla’s vibrator, helmed by Commander Lynch. She is a woman, a black woman, and a really strong and logical character. Points to Megalodon for bringing us a boob-free and feminist movie. Movie still sucks though. Anyhoo, they end up rescuing the evil Russian survivors from the sub.

The meg decides to eat the vibrator and Lynch and her crew are stuck in the tummy of the beast. This shark is really big, y’all. It swallows a humpback whale whole and you can clearly tell it never skipped arm and shoulder day at the gym. It’s also bumpy. Not sure why it’s bumpy. Strange choice. But once the shark burps up the vibrator, that is pretty much the end of any semblance of a shark movie. It goes all Cold War and “America, Fuck Yeah” from then on out. 

There are a lot of speeches. Mostly about the power of the US Navy. Also, to be honest, I have never seen characters in a movie close-talking so damn much. Every time the Captain talks to anyone it’s within three inches of their face and in an intense whisper. I can imagine most of the production budget went to breath mints…and Jaeger for Madden. 

The entire second half of the movie is the USA versus Russia. The Americans interrogate the Russians…a lot. The Russians never give up the ghost. Eventually they escape and run amok around the ship. Being evil. Always evil. 

Meanwhile, the shark pops up just enough to remind you that this is supposed to be a shark movie. So while the Navy fights the rampant Ruskies, they also shoot an impressive array of heavy artillery blindly into the vast ocean waters. It’s like no one thought to shoot AT the shark. The shark head butts the ship a bunch of times. Which might explain all the bumps. Wow..that all came together for me just now. 

This film is a bunch of military blah blah blah but the ending brought it back home to the Maddenesque sharktastrophe that it’s always wanted to be. Madden’s character is integral to the finale and only he can pull off that kind of cheesy madness. Well..him or Nick Cage. 

If the Navy doesn’t start using this movie as propaganda immediately, I will bitch slap a sailor right in his pretty face. 

See ya next time!

Director: James Thomas

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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