This is numero tres in the Mega Shark franchise and by far, the worst one yet. How can a movie about a 200 foot Megalodon and a giant robot shark-shaped death machine be boring? Well, this movie cracked that fucking code.
The Asylum always produces films that look slick at first glance like a hobo smothered in K-Y Jelly. I mean, the hobo looks shiny and polished, then you realize he was just doused in a $1.99 bottle of lube. Disappointing. Also, I’m unsure why someone would ever do that to a hobo. My point is, this movie has a lot of pizazz to the naked eye but it falls apart quickly.
The main characters, Rosie and Jack, are a married couple who have created a mechanical shark run by an artificial intelligence named Nero. Some idiot drags a giant iceberg into a port which contains our friend, Mega Shark. As is protocol, shit goes down and Mega Shark belly flops onto a bunch of aircraft carriers. People get really wet. Military folks say “I repeat” a lot. Debbie Gibson reprises her role as Dr. Emma and periodically interrupts the action with semi-useful information. Listen, the “plot” and “characters” are just fluff. Let’s focus on the mechanical beasties, shall we? The UN has made a shinier version of the robot shark called Mecha. They hook Nero into its circuits and go after the Mega.
During the running time of this movie, which is about an hour too long, some fun stuff happens. An oil rig is damaged and leaks into the ocean. That’s not the fun part. It’s called the Event Horizon. That’s the fun part. Oh, and Mega leaps mightily into the air at one point and tries to attack an airplane. Mecha soars up to meet him and we have a mid-air shark collision. Okay, that’s it for the fun parts.
Dr. Emma knows that Mega is headed for Sydney Harbor because that’s the site of a prehistoric Mega spawning ground. Mega is apparently horny and pissed off because there just happens to be fucking zero other Megalodons in the world for him to make whoopie with. The Nero-controlled Mecha breaches itself onto the Sydney Opera House and goes rogue. It activates “amphibious mode” and turns into a big ass shark tank. Not a shark tank like in an aquarium. A shark TANK. He is evil now. Carnage ensues.
Rosie leaps into Mecha’s gaping maw so she can program it to emit a high frequency noise that pisses off the Mega. The Mega will think the Mecha is a threat to his mating prowess and attack it, and the armed torpedo inside will go kablooie. However, she gets caught in the “chum tank” in the ass end of the robot shark. The military reigns bombs onto the Mecha, knocking it back into the water. Jack goes and gets the original shitty robot shark and swims inside the bigger robot shark and somehow reboots the system so Nero is back in control. Mecha has a really heavy flow day and Rosie is menstruated into the sea in a bloody stream of awkwardness for the viewer.
Everything naturally goes according to plan and the Mega and Mecha blow up in a fiery cataclysm. This is not a spoiler. Everyone knows how these movies end.
If any of this seems exciting or dramatic to you, rest assured you are mistaken. It’s just the lube. I repeat, it’s just the lube.
Director: Emile Edwin Smith
Where to watch: Amazon Prime, Tubi, VUDU, Roku
Broken Nails
Splatterpunk nominated author Susan Snyder’s debut chapbook of poetry.