Posted on Leave a comment

Mega Shark vs Kolossus: Brain-Scrambling Surf and Turf

I thought this was the final installment of the Mega Shark franchise. Yet, I found a little tidbit on the internet teasing another one. This time versus Moby Dick. Oh how I pray that this is true. 

This movie is a bit confusing to follow. There’s a lot going on. It’s clear that Asylum has a bigger budget though. The effects are slightly more bombastic and the acting is mercifully improved. They even got Illeana Douglas to star in this movie. Some may say this proves her acting career is in a sharp decline, but I say this is her best. We all want to star in these movies and we should embrace this fact. 

It is a year after Mega Shark battled Mecha Shark and the world is in collapse. The USA is large and in charge of protecting the globe from another Megalodon. The Unicorn squadron, consisting of big breasted women in patent leather, are on the trail of a newborn Meg who was birthed by Russians mining for red mercury. They basically get drop kicked into Jesus. I mean this literally: Mega Shark swats them into Rio’s Christ the Redeemer statue. Sacrilecious!

Meanwhile, we learn there’s a secret installation in the Chernobyl exclusion zone that houses a giant robot named Kolossus that runs on red mercury which is the ultimate power source. Of course, he gets loose. 

Illeana plays Dr. Gray, a marine biologist, who wants to use electro-magnetic fields to trap the Meg and study it. She is opposed by Dr. Bullock who wants to chum it in close and blow it to bits.  The Navy likes Dr Bullock’s idea. So Dr. Gray joins forces with Joshua Dane who is a tech overlord and wants to save the planet from the environmental catastrophe caused by all this multiple-movie Mega Shark nuking. A CIA agent and her sidekick find out that Kolossus is an autonomous nuclear delivery machine that is hell bent on annihilating all peeps. 

The CIA duo finds Dr. Abramov, the creator of Kolossus, to find a way to stop the big, meaty robot from stomping out life as we know it. Abramov gives them a locket and tells them to find “Anya” for she is the key to stopping Kolossus. The Navy Admiral goes postal and dispatches bigger nukes at the Meg before dispatching himself to avoid responsibility. Naturally, this fails. Will we ever learn? Dr. Gray lures the Meg into a cove which just happens to be the same cove that harbors Abramov’s former laboratory. Since Mega Shark has been ineffectively nuked a hundred times at this point, he is a big fat beacon of radiation and Kolossus makes a bee line right for him. 

Phew! I told you there was a lot going on. Confused? Yah, me too. 

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-HEY!

Due to some pointless explosion, the Meg gets hooded in an American flag just as Kolossus approaches. Since the giant robot is Russian, this can only end one way … let them fight! Well, hang on. We are not confused enough yet. Now Dane makes a sharp left turn to evil villian town. He has found a way to control both the surf and the turf. He plans on using the monsters to rule land and sea and demolish all the big polluting cities so humanity can start again. The government launches the really big nuke called “The Gipper” (have to bring Reagan into this) which also doesn’t work. I really have to wonder why they keep using nuclear missiles when they never ever work. This one gets destroyed when Kolossus uses Mega Shark as a discus and throws him into the satellite that programs the nuke. How rude! This snaps sense into Mega Shark who turns against Kolossus. Now will they fight to the death?

Hold up. They first have to kill their would-be master, Dane. Or did they kill him before the Gipper thing? Shit. This is too much to keep track of in a movie like this. Know your place, shark movie. You are overstepping. I shouldn’t need a bottle of Ginseng and No-Doze to get through this. 

Well, at some point they do actually fight to the death. But it’s pretty short and comes right at the end of the movie. It’s a let down after all we have to go through to get there. 

Hey, even with all its flaws, this is a fun addition to the Mega collection. Just make sure you nap before watching to get your brain in tip-top shape for keeping track of all the shit going on. Or alternatively, shut your brain down and watch a big fish and a muscular nuclear death robot run around and almost fight each other. Either way, it’s a good Saturday afternoon. 

Leave a Reply