Deep in the heart of the Congo, a diamond mine begins to shake and out pops a large…obnoxiously large… Crocosaurus! Flash over to the USS Gibson, a naval ship somewhere off the coast of wherever. (I see what you did there. USS Gibson? As in Debbie Gibson, star of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus? Gawd, I am a huge nerd). Well, folks, this time, the long forgotten 80’s star is none other than Jaleel White who played Steve Urkel in that show that has Urkel in it. Urkel plays Lieutenant McCormick, a slick doesn’t-play-by-the-rules sonar scientist. He created hydrosonic spheres that can repel or attract sharks. That’s kind of important for later so store that in your head cavity for a minute.
Now, let’s be clear from the get-go that there is an incredible lack of science in this movie. Not a lack of science as much as a lack of anything making sense scientifically. This film is clunky and has plot holes the size of Mega Shark’s anus. Things happen that are never shown on screen. It’s like the editor suffers from sudden bouts of narcolepsy. More than likely, it was I that suffered from sudden bouts of narcolepsy trying to watch this movie. Nevertheless, three cups of strong coffee and a swig of Pepto and I made it though so I can do this blog for you people. And you’re goddamn welcome.
Shocking lack of scientific credibility aside, I love the Mega Shark series. They are fun, plain and simple. So let’s proceed, shall we?
Mega Shark attacks the Naval ship by breaching a bunch of times and making a “KAPOW” with its tail. Urkel escapes in the nick of time with his sound balls. He ends up on another ship where he is recruited by Special Agent Hutchinson, a stern hottie in a black suit. Apparently, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has a secret service branch. Yah, I’ll just roll with it since the idea of militarized weathermen tickles me immensely.
Then we move on over to Africa again, where we meet Nigel who looks like Pierce Brosnan and is dressed like Indiana Jones. He always has dirt on his face. Always. So you know he’s seen some shit. Nigel is a crackpot monster hunter and gets bamboozled into trying to capture Crocosaurus. He gets eaten, but Croco spits him out like she’s hocking a loogie and promptly falls asleep, tranquilized. Nigel grabs her and her eggs and sets off on a boat to cash in on this monstrous trophy.
But wait! This entire movie hinges on the fact that Mega Shark simply adores eating croc eggs! And these are just her size! As in, fucking enormous.
Mega Shark attracts the boat, trying to get the delicious eggs, but Croco awakens because she is a hell of a mom. The battle is ON!
The motley crew of Urkel, Indy and Agent Forecast go to gather Croco’s eggs because they know that they can lure Mega Shark. The military is having a bitch of a time killing these beasts because Croco has a thick impenetrable hide, Mega Shark can maneuver like a boss… and also they have terrible aim. Somehow, both monsters end up in Florida. The military demands an “arc flash” from a local nuclear reactor that will drive the Croco back into the sea and away from consuming Shamu and the rest of Orlando (spoiler: too late for Shamu). Mega Shark will surely follow. Now, I have no clue what an “arc flash” is. Do you? But apparently, there is a button in the nuclear plant for just such an occasion. Science!
The next plan is to trap the creatures in the Panama Canal. Let’s just skip the details and go right to the fact that they fuck this up too. Panama is now underwater and the monsters are locked in a duel to the death. Seriously, the military cannot hit the broadside of Kim Kardashian’s rear end. Pitiful.
At some point, Mega Shark eats a nuclear sub so that’s not good. Also, Croco’s eggs that she spewed out everywhere are hatching. Everyone is heading toward Hawaii. Urkel has his sound balls and a plan involving an underwater volcano that is about as believable as Vin Diesel starring in the remake of Little House on the Prairie. Will his balls succeed? What becomes of Croco and Mega Shark?
Well, judging by the fact that we still have Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark and Mega Shark vs. Kolossus still to come, it seems even the titanic power of Urkel’s balls can’t stop this leviathan. You know what? I am fine with that. Bring it on!
See ya next time!
Director: Christopher Olen Ray
Where to watch: Amazon Prime, Tubi, Vudu
Splatterpunk nominated author Susan Snyder’s debut chapbook of poetry.