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Land Shark: Boop! Boop!

Yes, folks, this is another movie written and directed by the notorious Mark Polonia. I just realized that I’ve never mentioned his brother Anthony. Anthony is in charge of the special effects on many of the Polonia Brothers productions including this one. Anthony is responsible, I assume, for the shark in this movie. The shark is a claymation puppet type thing. Therefore, I love Anthony Polonia. My adoration of claymation shark effects runs deep and is almost pathological. I can’t explain it, but even in the worst shark movie, a derpy shark makes my heart sing. 

The film opens with a bikini-clad lady with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Then a POV shot from the shark who sounds like a cross between a velociraptor and a dog playing with a chew toy. Then, as the title implies, the shark goes ashore and eats the lady. 

MALCO Research Facility is conducting particle shark experiments to create a super weapon that can be effective on both land and sea. Head researcher, Dr. Foster is in cahoots with his boss to make a bundle off this “science”. His assistant Lucinda catches on that something nefarious is afoot … or afin … when test sharks keep disappearing from and reappearing back into their tank. Every time one gets loose, people are eaten. Lucinda gets blackmailed by Foster into keeping her mouth shut. Now, three test sharks have escaped at once and must be found and neutralized! Foster electrocutes the remaining test sharks and he and Lucinda go to find the ones that are on the lam. Dick move, Foster. 

Foster has an interesting habit of shooting himself up with shark DNA. What could go wrong? He sometimes has visions of a rubber-masked aquatic monster guy. This could possibly be important later on. 

Foster and Lucinda have laser blasters! They also have a tracking device that goes “Boop! Boop!” Almost non-stop booping. They walk around for way too long and the thing goes “boop” way too many times. Got it? Good. That sums up two-thirds of this film. Combine this with one background song that is played on a continuous loop. Loops and boops. I almost had a seizure. 

From 2017’s Land Shark

The escaped sharks celebrate their new found freedom by dining on some folks in entertaining and bloody scenes . Foster and Lucinda boop their way into shark #1 and pew-pew him until death. The second shark gets peed on and bites the guy’s dick off. Foster also gets bitten. The shark chases them into a house where nothing happens and then they come out of the house. The shark leaps down from the roof with a mighty splat. Eventually, he too is dispatched by the dynamic duo’s blasters. Or he was driven to suicide by the booping, which I totally understand. 

Here comes the twist ending that we all saw coming from paragraph four! Foster becomes a man-shark hybrid and morphs into the rubber-mask creature guy. Can Lucinda’s impressive and freakish upper body strength save the day? Is Foster harboring more secrets that could plant the seeds of an unnecessary sequel? Will the booping stop? I shan’t tell you. But that shark is fucking adorable. 

Director: Mark Polonia

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

2 thoughts on “Land Shark: Boop! Boop!

  1. Hi Susan. One correction – Anthony is Mark’s son, not his brother. Mark and twin brother John (now deceased) are known as the “Polonia Brothers”.

    1. Thank you Steve! I’ll make sure that gets corrected for the book!

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