Once in a while a shark movie comes along that makes me really proud to be a sharksploitation reviewer. Makes me feel like I am doing God’s work. This was one of those films. Not because it was good. But because I really took a bullet for you people, watching this shit sandwich so you never have to. You’re fucking welcome.
Also I found the cure for insomnia. You’re fucking welcome again.
The movie opens with text explaining that there was such a thing as a Megaladon and it was a length of 52 feet. Cut to two bikini-clad pseudo-actresses on a lakeside beach on a deserted island. (Oh goodie. Another lake shark.)
Then we go over to the scientists who, looking for oil on the lake bed, open an undiscovered ice pocket over 80 million years old. These unscrupulous scientists don’t heed the warnings that they drilled too deep because oil and greed and stuff.
Cut back to our bimbos a’splashin in the lake …for approximately 10 straight minutes. Everything in this movie takes a thousand years to happen. Or nothing happens at all. Both are such amazing qualities for any movie to have, aren’t they folks? Finally, the 52 foot shark attacks in about 4 feet of water, completely unseen.
Are you still awake?
A couple of groups join the “plot”. One is a merry band of idiots led by a pleather-clad bad bitch named Barb. The stole a painting and are making their escape in a rowboat on a lake. Their rowboat gets lightly tapped (I can hit a boat harder and I have a terrifying lack of upper body strength), the painting goes overboard and the shark eats a dude. Just so you have the lowest possible expectations, virtually all of the attacks are bloodless and some are not shown on screen at all. You won’t even get a decent shark attack out of this pile of cinematic excrement. When you do see the shark eat someone it is as if Jaws took a wrong turn in Albuquerque and ended up in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
The other group is comprised of three more girls in bikinis, and one seems to have some passing knowledge of the illegal drilling activity on the island. The two groups eventually collide and Barb and her idiots pretend to be nice so they can force the girls into the water to find the painting.
We are treated to an excruciatingly long series of scenes of all of them walking through the woods. From the back, focused on their feet, then their faces, now from far away. They try to add some dialogue but it is unintelligible because of the cacophony of feet crunching on the leaf litter as they walk. Just as well. I am sure the conversation would add nothing short of an acute bout of ear bleeding and ennui.
As the movie goes on, some folks get eaten in the most bloodless, soulless and actionless ways possible. Bottom line is, the good girls are forced into the water at gunpoint to get the painting by the bad girl and her bad boys. One of the bad boys uses dynamite to scare off the shark while the girls do their thing. Eventually the girls get the upper hand. How? Who cares. There are plot holes the size of my great state of Texas.
The climax of the film is one of the most underwhelming and over-cleavaged final battles I’ve ever seen. I yawned so hard I almost broke my jaw.
Best thing about Jurassic Shark was the running time of slightly over an hour. Anymore and I would have needed cocaine and a good stiff punch in the face to stay awake.
So again, folks. You’re fucking welcome.
See ya next time!
Director: Brett Kelly
Where to watch: Amazon Prime (but don’t…just don’t)