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Jaws The Revenge: This time it’s personal…and horrible

I wish the shark looked like this.

You would think by the fourth movie of the Jaws franchise, someone would have figured out how to improve the shark’s design. But no. This thing is supposed to be alive yet “swims” through the water like someone is pulling a shark-shaped pillow toward them with a rope. The shark tilts one way and the other. That could be cute like a puppy quizzically tilting its head if it wasn’t the entire thing tilting like a boat about to capsize. We still have the carrot-like teeth and the inexplicable roar to contend with. Just to put the cherry atop my ennui cupcake, we can see a seam on the back of the dorsal fin. 

Much like the underrated Halloween III: Season of the Witch, we must disregard Jaws 3D as a one-off and unrelated to the series as a whole. It’s always the third one ya have to watch out for. Although both of those third installments were fun as hell. But I digress. In this one, we open back on Amity Island. Sean Brody is a deputy and very quickly gets his arm unconvincingly ripped off by the shark. The arm ripping looks about as real as a 1934 Loch Ness photo. He dies to the haunting cacophony of Christmas carols in the background. That is fucking dark, dude. 

Ellen Brody, now living in 1987 and sporting a saucy trapezoidal hairdo, knows…I mean she KNOWS…that the same shark from the last movie has come back for toothy revenge. (Remember the last movie is Jaws 2 in her world). The shark does have some facial scars. Does that really mean it is the same shark? The shark in Jaws 2 seemed pretty cooked after Martin electrocuted it. This shark is like the Jason fucking Voorhees of the sea. It takes a lickin and keeps on tickin. Or perhaps it is the son of the shark from Jaws 2. He learns about the demise of his Dad, grows bitter toward the Brodys, drinks a bottle of Night Train, stares at himself in the mirror and slowly drags a razor over his face to toughen himself up for the epic revenge he is about to unleash. That is clearly the only possible explanation. 

Anyone got a quarter, mon?

Mike Brody is a marine biologist who works with his BFF, Jake. Jake is the Jar Jar Binks of the Jaws franchise. So does that make him Jaw Jaw Binks? Why can’t he just be a black scientist? Instead he has to have bad dreads and speak in an almost offensive Bahamian accent. Cut the shit people. Mike is played by Lance Guest who we know from The Last Starfighter and Halloween II. I don’t mind him except I hate his weird mouth. He looks like he is waiting for someone to stick a quarter in there so he can shit out a can of Shasta (This was 1987 so soda was super cheap, y’all).

The shark finds Ellen and Mike in the Bahamas, where real white sharks hardly ever go. Mike and Jake think it’s a great idea to keep this info away from Ellen and study the shark in secret. Ellen starts a love affair with Michael Caine. Eventually, the shark makes a public appearance and the jig is up. Ellen knows what she knew all along. She steals a boat and goes after that motherfucker. 

Jaws The Revenge is known in sharksploitation circles as having one of the shittiest endings in shark movie history (note: “sharksploitation circles” consist of me and three other people who are all my family members). Mike and Jake rig up some device that can shock the shark and make it roar and lurch out of the water. And stay up there for a while. Which is not possible due to the anatomy of the shark. But again, I digress. So, the shark does that and gives Ellen enough time to spear it through the side like the Lance of Longinus. Except in this case it should be the Lance GUEST of Longinus, am I right? Hey-o!

Then the shark explodes. I cannot figure out why it explodes but it does. The end. 

I am glad to get this review out of my system. Like…thanks for being here for me, you guys. 

See ya next time!

Director: Joseph Sargent

Where to watch: Hulu

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