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Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws- God damn

The first Ghost Shark movie is one of my favorite sharksploitation films of all time. Why? It features some of the most hilarious kills and one of the most outlandish scenarios. It is simply a hoot. 

The sequel, however, lacks all the luster that made the first one so great. The most violent scenes are when someone gets their face slapped. There is literally no gore and very little is seen of Ghost Shark himself. They are clearly trying to go super cheesy and the actors are hamming it up more than necessary, but all the gags fall short of the goal. Towards the end, the film goes wicked black and white and romantic on your ass without warning or reason. 

From the first scenes, we discover that Ghost Shark can live in water, ice, even steam. Quickly, we can include beer on that list as the first kills demonstrate. But now, Ghost Shark doesn’t rip people apart in a spray of gore like the first movie. Now, Ghost Shark turns his victims’ eyes red and drowns them. Goddamn Ghost Shark. You have lost your edge. 

This movie takes place nine years after the Port Isabel slaughter in the first film. Jack Broody is the mayor of Auckland, New Zealand and is running for re-election. He and his friend Tony are trying to forget the horrors of those times but there is a serial killer on the loose that drowns his victims. Clearly, this is the work of Ghost Shark. But they killed him years ago! How did a paranormal spirit shark ever survive?

Do the math.

Along comes Tom Logan, Ghost Shark Hunter, and another reject of the Port Isabel incident. He hasn’t bathed in the entire nine years since he lost his fiancee to Ghost Shark. He knows that there are not one, not two, but 6000 ghost sharks haunting the land lubbers of earth. They are the victims of the shark finning trade coming back for revenge. Along with Broody’s competition for the election, Guerra, we have our main characters. Whoopee. 

After nine years without bathing, might be time to throw out that shirt anyway.

The first movie earned its stripes with some very innovative kills. As boring as this movie’s kills are, they tried to come up with some interesting ways for Ghost Shark to appear (and then boringly drown someone). Examples include a popsicle, steam from an iron, lube, soup, an ice chest and of course, a toilet. Sounds way funner than it is, folks. 

They figure out they need to deploy a massive electromagnetic pulse to kill the Ghost Shark but it knocks all the power out in the city. That does not bode well for people on life support. The climax changes gears and ends up half The Purge and half Casablanca. Ghost Shark is defeated in the most anti-climactic way imaginable. With a hug. Spoiler? Yes, but I would love to see you figure out how that one plays out. 

Ok ok, there are a couple good things about this movie. First of all, it is short. Second, there are some pretty guffaw-inducing quotes that I would like to share with you, folks. As always, I like to provide these without any context to improve the experience. Behold…

“Stale coffee and a circle jerk isn’t my idea of a night out.”

“I’m a lost soul in a sea full of shit.”

“If you follow me again, I’ll tie a fish to your balls and feed you to a sea lion.”

“Ghost hammerheads, ghost makos, even ghost Ghost Sharks.”

“I’d like to stay and suck your dick a little longer, Mayor, but it’s kind of hard when your dick turned into a pussy.”

“When you’re looking into the cold, dead eyes of a Ghost Shark, your definition of crazy begins to change.”

“Stop crying, little girl! Ghost Shark can swim through tears!”

“Goddamn Ghost Shaaaaaaahhhk!”

Listen, the damn thing is only an hour long so if you want to be slightly entertained and mostly disappointed, go nuts. But really, you should just watch the first film again. And again and again. Because it’s awesome. 

See ya next time!

Director: Andrew Todd, Johnny Hall

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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