The movie opens with a recording of the main character, Lindsey, reporting everyone is dead. So right away, there is no ambiguity as to the fate of most of the characters. Also, from this brief introductory glimpse of Lindsey, we can tell she is a vapid idiot with a stupid face. The opening credits feature a roving gang of three Great Whites. Listen, folks. This movie might be really really flawed but damned if they ain’t up front about it. Respect.
The soon-to-be-mostly-dead group is composed of a bunch of vloggers who run a site called “Lit Life”. They go on adventures and rub it into the faces of their subscribers. Lindsey and her sister Paige, Lindsey’s boyfriend Seb, cameraman Evan and super tough Kahaia get on a seaplane to go diving. The wing falls off the plane and they crash into the sea. This all happens very quickly after the opening credits. You might argue this means it’s action-packed right out of the gate. Having watched the whole thing, I shall retort with…no, now we have to watch another 75 minutes of Lindsey bumbling through this tragedy with the character development of a coffee table rolling downhill.
The three sharks are actually pretty convincing CGI white sharks. I usually complain about sharks looking too stiff and rigid. But these guys are almost too fluid. They jiggle and flutter as they swim, not unlike what happens when I poke my “COVID 15” tummy fat with my finger like the Pillsbury fucking dough boy. At least they don’t roar.
This film is a poor man’s The Shallows. Even Lindsey’s sister Paige looks a little like Blake Lively. Where this movie really shines is their gratuitous and flagrant use of slo-mo. Half way through, the filmmakers thought it wise to pepper in multiple slo-mo shots, but they slo-mo the most mundane or inconsequential things. My favorite is a slo-mo paddle throw where Lindsey draws it back like a harpoon and then promptly tosses it straight down and only a foot away. Slo-mo fail of a slo-mo fail. Another one is of her drinking from a water bottle. In slow motion. And one of her shooting a flare gun in the air…which doesn’t fire.
There are lots of flashback scenes. Lindsey watches someone get eaten and we flashback to a fond memory where the dearly departed had taught her a life lesson on how to be a badass or some shit. This should make us care about her more. It does not. The actress who plays Lindsey seems like she alternates between valium and angel dust. She blurts out strange things such as “You want me? Come and get me!” after she just narrowly escapes being eaten. She cackles a few times. Perhaps this indicates she has become a badass or is sinking into the inviting void of madness? At any rate, I hate her stupid face.
There is some mild gore and chomping of body parts. If this appeals to you, I suggest you skip ahead to about the 55 minute mark and save yourself some time that could be better spent making toaster pastries or creating a tableau of a school of piranha in needlepoint. That is when the action really kicks in…although mostly in slo-mo. So the opposite of the definition of “frenzy”. This movie should have been called “Stupid Face” or “Jiggly”. I give up.
Director: Jose Montesinos
Where to watch: Amazon Prime
Broken Nails
Splatterpunk nominated author Susan Snyder’s debut chapbook of poetry.
I love these Sharksploitation posts! Keep them coming!! Kudos to the author.