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Fins in Funnels: The Sharknado Franchise Part IV

March 10, 2018 was one of the craziest days of my life. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results? Not so. True insanity is watching all five Sharknado films in one day.

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Number of Beers Consumed: 5

At this point, I was riding a little high on the taste of beer and fun that the third film left in my mouth. I felt pretty good given the fact that I was about to watch my fourth Sharknado movie in that same day. 

That would not last. 

Predictably, The 4th Awakens begins with the typical Star Wars scroll informing us that a tech company called Astro X has created some reactors that stabilized the atmosphere. There hasn’t been a funnel in five years. We are shown astronauts slaying sharks on distant planets which makes zero sense for many reasons. The head of Astro X is opening a hotel called Shark World in Las Vegas. Turning the massacres of past sharknados into a novelty seems like a good idea to him. What could possibly go wrong?

Of course the Vegas scenes are chock filled with Z list celebrities, including Tom Jones singing his rendition of the Sharknado theme song. Nova’s character has been replaced by Gemini, the new badass sporting leather-clad breasticals. Fin Shepard and Gemini take on Vegas right as a sand storm develops in the desert. Oh yah. Sandnado. Now, I am not sure if the sandnado originally had sharks in it or if they were picked up from Shark World’s tanks. It’s all a blur, and really, who cares? Lots of destruction happens but rather than being campy or fun it is all becoming quite tedious. This is why no one should watch all of these films in one day. You need buffering time. More than just the pee breaks I took as the beer kicked in. Much more. 

The greased up Chippendale’s guys fight pretty valiantly though. One of them pelvic thrusts a shark right into oblivion. I liked that immensely. 

Oh and April is now a robot. She was put back together by her mad scientist Dad played by Gary Busey. “Swiss Army April”. You’re welcome, folks. 

Now this review isn’t going to focus on the plot so much as the nados. Plot isn’t what we go into these for, am I right? Honestly, after Vegas the plot is nearly indecipherable. 

This movie introduces us to new and progressively more ludicrous types of toothy tornados. None of them make any sense and there is no explanation on why they form or how the hell sharks got in there. The sandnados pick up boulders in the Grand Canyon, which Astro X blew up because…I dunno. Anyway, bouldernado. The violent winds strike Texas and create an oilnado. The oilnado catches fire and produces a firenado. Later we get to experience the horror of a lightningnado. 

Wait, there’s more. 

Yellowstone coughs up a lavanado. Bovine disaster strikes as a cownado wrecks havoc. A hailnado happens. The coup de grace involves a nukenado. I was fast becoming immersed in a fatiguenado. 

How do the sharks survive in a nukenado? Are the sharks really the threat anymore?

The staple of the franchise is the corny references to other movies, often involving the actors who played the original characters. I enjoyed the horror movie references. Our heroes get to ride in Christine. Some of the cast of the first two Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies appear and we finally have a moment of jolly good fun. Apparently Fin is from Kansas. I’m convinced that was thrown in only to give the writers permission to insert worn out and terrible Wizard of Oz lines. 

Ok look, folks. I do a good deal of Sharknado bashing in these reviews. Honestly, if you connect deeply to your reptilian brain and drink enough, these are not a complete waste of time. You just need to know what you are getting into. I can’t see myself getting a tattoo of Ian Zeiring on my upper arm anytime soon. But in spite of myself, I found a little piece of my heart getting whisked away in the finny winds. 

One more to go. Will I make it? How drunk will I be? Are there any Doritos left in the bag?

See ya next time!

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