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Fins in Funnels: The Sharknado Franchise: Part 3

March 10, 2018 was one of the craziest days of my life. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results? Not so. True insanity is watching all five Sharknado films in one day.

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Number of Beers Consumed: 4

Maybe I was getting a little tipsy at this point, but I have to say this was my favorite of the franchise so far. Perhaps the production value was better? Was it the acting?

Nope. It’s because this one was the most unrealistic and cringe-worthy installment yet. The sharks growl. They live in space. Things happen inside of a shark that you wouldn’t believe. So yah…super fucking fun.

At this point I was singing along to the now familiar haunting lyrics of the theme song. “No no no no nonono. Runaway from the sharknado.” Just beautiful.

The film opens in Washington DC which was clearly so the filmmakers could have a good time blowing up the White House. A sharknado is on the horizon and the President has called upon the savior of the human race, Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering). Fin informs the President that he now can sense these storms. “These sharks, they have a scent. It’s not a pretty one.” I am really starting to like that guy.

All laws of physics are thrown completely out the window and hit repeatedly with a baseball bat. The sharks don’t seem to even need wind to be propelled anymore. Forget about how they survive without water, folks. It’s gets even crazier later on.

After the carnage in our nation’s capital, the movie abruptly becomes a commercial for Universal Studios Orlando. A very pregnant April (Tara Reid) is hanging with her mom played by Bo Derek. Meanwhile, Fin is trying to reach them before April gives birth. I shouldn’t really tell you this but I secretly hoped that the baby would come out a shark-baby hybrid. Will I get my wish? Only time will tell. Fin meets up with Nova from the first film who is now a tragic breasty heroine. She has figured out some science and shit. These sharks eat birds and live in the clouds. We get introduced to riveting terminology such as sharkicanes and biometeorology. You know. Science.

In my favorite scene of the film, Nova and Fin are flying a fighter jet for some reason which gets taken down by a hit from a hammerhead. They fall from the sky, landing conveniently in a lake in Universal Studios. Then, in slow motion, they emerge wet and half naked. Why and how they became half naked is a mystery, but I laughed beer right out of my nose.

The fun really begins when they get NASA and Fin’s former astronaut Dad involved (David Hasselhoff). Nova says they need NASA because they need “a tower of flame 60 miles high burning at temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun.” This is the same woman who carries a 75 caliber “mascara shotgun”. But once again, she is sciencing the shit out of this. Father and son have a poignant reunion at the helm of a super duper top secret space shuttle which they use to try and blast apart the “massive sharknado wall” that is slamming against the “Feast Coast”. I cannot even begin to try and explain how any of this works. Neither can the screenwriters. So just roll with it.

Heh heh. Feast Coast.

Sharks in space! Sharks in the shuttle! Laser chainsaw! That pretty much sums it up.

The ending is fantastic. I just cannot spoil it for you, folks. All I can say is if you ever need to re-enter Earth’s atmosphere without the safety of a vessel, reach for the nearest space shark for help. It gets even more ludicrous at the very end of the movie. So ludicrous in fact that I stood up and slow clapped through the ending credits, spilling the Dorito dust out of my cleavage and knocking over my beer.

Shit this was a fun one. Can Sharknado: The 4th Awakens live up to this elevated standard of fuckery?

See ya next time!

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