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Dark Waters: Lameness with Lamas

I love me some Lorenzo Lamas. He is one of the mighty kings of sharksploitation with his starring roles in this movie and Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Men want to be him, women want to be with him. This man and his perfectly coiffed head have been dropping panties for decades. My love for him is kind of like my love for ABBA. I will indulge late at night with the blinds drawn and never speak of it to anyone at the office. 

2003’s Dark Waters is a celebration of fuckery. Lacking much in the shark department, we get to focus in on a lot of gun violence and the tap-a-tap-a-tap-a of military drum music. Lamas plays Dane Quatrell III who is trying to find Atlantis and sleeps with women for money. His assistant, the chesty Robin, is his partner in crime. She and her cleavage are tough as nails. They get drugged and blackmailed into using their sub to find out what happened to a deep sea oil rig. 

Well, we know what happened to the deep sea oil rig because it was the opening to the movie. Sharks. This movie is from 2003 so expect overly-CGI’d fish with a mouth that looks like an aborted Muppet and a throaty growl. Even the water looks fake. The sharks attack and eat a couple divers and they turn their power toward the porn-watching dude inside the rig. Dane’s sub takes a bunch of douche canoes down to retrieve the surveillance tape. They instead end up retrieving the porn. The sharks wreck havoc again and Dane, Robin and another guy have to escape into the rig. Then they are brought to another sub by another sub. This sub is military and has another sub attached to it that contains genetically-modified super sharks swimming around in a sedated haze. Need I mention there are a plethora of subs in this film? And it ain’t over yet. 

The CIA has a program called “Dark Waters” that they never really explain. I think Dane’s father, who is supposed to be dead, might have been one of the dudes in the lab sub but I was too confused to put that all together. The lab sub dad dude dies but not before rigging the sub to explode. The military releases the sharks because … no idea. Dane, Robin and the other guy get into an escape sub (last sub on the menu for this movie). The sharks begin to eat the sub and the trio must find a way to dispatch the fishes posthaste! 

Here’s a few things of note about this movie. It is boring as fuck. Lamas’ hair always looks spectacular. One of the sharks is named “Neptune’s Fire” which is fabulous. I like Robin, her attitude and her boobs. And that pretty much sums it up. 

For a shark movie made in 2003, it’s not that bad if you really like feathered hair and tits and military drums. 

See ya next time!

Director: Phillip J. Roth

Where to watch: Amazon Prime IMDb TV Free with Ads

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