Dam Sharks!: Beavers beware

I thought I had seen it all. This movie showed me a whole new world of possibilities. A world where bull sharks inexplicably build river dams. Out of tree branches…and body parts. I waited the entire film to receive some sort of explanation for this odd and un-sharkylike behavior. There was a passing notion that perhaps they were hoarding their food supply but that was never really explained to any logical conclusion. Especially since, instead of eating the food supply, they just kept adding the bodies to the dam to make it bigger. 

Me thinks there might be a plot hole here somewhere. 

Also there were exactly zero beavers in this movie. Were they all eaten? Is that why the sharks didn’t eat people? They were full up on eating beaver? (You knew beaver jokes were coming, didn’t you?) 

Actual dialogue:

“Do you really think the beaver population is dwindling?”

“It is in my neighborhood.”

**snort laugh

This movie had two intersecting storylines. The first involves a sexy brunette game warden who sees her comrade get dismembered and forced into dam decor duty. She teams up with a local yokel and they run around trying to blow the dams up. Simultaneously, we follow a company team building retreat that tries really hard to provide the comedic angle and love interest for the movie. The company’s boss is laying off all the employees not at the retreat and the word gets out, and he is exposed as a piece of shit. This movie did not need that storyline and no one cares. It does, however, provide a bunch of bodies for the sharks’ insatiable passion for interior dam design. 

Various recreational activities become fodder for the sharks’ quest for the best damn dam: zipliners, fishermen, tubers. The gore is pretty fun although it is CGI gore. One guy gets a fishing hook through his face and it’s implied that a shark spat it at him. There are several beheadings. I mean, that’s kind of neat, right?

The sharks in this film are bull sharks. It was a nice refreshing break from Great Whites, the usual sharksploitation species of choice. Also bull sharks can and do live in freshwater. Wow, an actual tiny shred of scientific plausibility! Huzzah! Of course, they don’t build dams so my tinge of glee from getting a bit of science laid on me was quickly snuffed out like a jailhouse snitch. 

Almost everyone dies in the movie which pleased me. The ending provided a homage (ahem…ripoff) of the ending of Jaws because heaven forbid anyone has an original thought. Although dam building sharks is kind of original. Okay, okay, you win this round, Dam Sharks. 

This movie is not one of the worst but is definitely firmly squashed into the middle of the pack. It’s a little meh. The premise is cute, the attacks are decent and the characters don’t make you want to shove your head into a food processor and press pulse. So there’s that. 

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam. 

Sorry. I’ll go now. 

See ya next time!

Director: James Kondelik, Jon Kondelik

Where to watch: Amazon Prime