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Bait 3D: Clean up in aisle sux!

This is a movie about sharks in a grocery store. In Australia. Also Julian McMahon from Nip/Tuck is in it and I have kind of a thing for him (have you seen Nip/Tuck? Me-ow!). So I settled in for what I could only assume would be the most profound cinematic experience of my lifetime. 

Kidding. I knew it would blow. 

The main dude is a lifeguard who sees his friend eaten way back in the day, like two months ago. We are treated to the first attack scene complete with an extreme close up of the shoddy quality CGI sharks we can expect from this masterpiece. Then we fast forward to the dude now, life in shambles, fiance gone, a deep seeded hatred of all things sharky, and a job at Oceania Food Mart. The movie sets up a bunch of characters’ back stories so you already know who the main ensemble is going to be when the shit hits the shopping cart. 

A freak tsunami ravages the unfortunately placed grocery store and it floods with the ocean and its denizens, including a couple white pointers and they’re big-uns! My eyebrow was already raised in skepticism that anything good could come from this movie, but Julian McMahon was all soaking wet by this time, so I was watching (wink). All of our main folks end up atop the shelves and freezers and cars. They throw in a few red shirts to give the sharks some snacks while we tediously get to know these people. 

For a good amount of the film, the sharks are hidden and I like it sooooo much better that way. There is suspense and tension, the water is dark and mysterious, the sharks are sneaky and spooky. One of the movie’s shining moments comes when the sharks are first noticed by the group. You don’t see the shark but rather see a floating pile of debris moving along at a sharky pace, topped off by a soggy and very creepy doll’s head. As the shark approaches its victim, the doll dips below the surface like a barrel from the Orca, and boom goes the dynamite! The attack gore is hit or miss but when it hits, it’s really fun!

But then they decide to show the sharks for the rest of the film. Big mistake. We have come so far in technology…the roomba, Alexis, reusable picture hangers, Dippin Dots. Yet, no one and I mean NO ONE can seem to fashion a fucking realistic looking shark out of that CGI stuff! How can you go around life thinking Great Whites have black gums and the tooth structure of a slack-jawed yokel? And why are their faces so square? Hardly anything’s face is that square in nature except Olivia Wilde. Jesus Christ. 

Bait is a movie that gives you exactly what you’d expect from a grocery store sharksploitation venture. Nothing more, nothing less. It has some moments. The entire thing comes off as a 90 minute game of “The Floor is Lava”, but that can really work for a creature feature (I’m looking at you, Tremors). 

It’s silly and entertaining. Just go into it with lowered expectations regarding character development and shark anatomy and you’ll be totally fine

Oh and speaking of that, I’m working on another special edition where I break down the bad biology of these films, and rip it a new asshole. Coming soon!

Director: Kimble Rendall

Where to watch: Bait 3D is free on Amazon Prime. The regular Bait, you have to rent. Not sure why you would do that.

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