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Bad CGI Sharks: The Answer to Everything

Someone has apparently reached into my brain and created a movie. This movie is the self-aware and self-deprecating love letter to all terrible sharksploitation films. From the opening scene to the closing credits (seriously I read them and even they are hilarious), every detail of Bad CGI Sharks is corny and amazing. 

Directed by MaJaMa, which is a conjoining of the three main actors’ names who pretty much did everything on this movie, this 2019 video release is what any shark movie geek has waited their entire lives for. Its meta interpretation of every cliche is mixed delightfully with a goofy story line and loveable characters. It charmed the pants off me. Really, I am writing this with no pants on. 

We open with Bernardo, who is an underground filmmaker with a magical clapboard muse that makes movie scripts come to life. He hosts our feature presentation like Svengoolie and Joe Bob Briggs merged to form a new entity. We are introduced to Matthew and Jason’s childhood which all leads up to their reunion in adulthood when Jason gets kicked out of the nest and sent to Hollywood to live with Matthew. They always dreamed of making a shark movie. Jason is a little nuts but still has the script they started as kids … Sharks Outta Water. He also has their beloved plushie Great White friend named Chumley. Matthew is the responsible one and works for a low budget production company that makes movies like Shark Rapist and Unusually Large Seahorse. He gets fired for losing his shit with his boss so now he’s stuck with batshit crazy Jason, who just wants to make this damn shark movie. Matthew is crippled with a cocktail of imposter syndrome and fear of creating which is something I know nothing about. Ahem. Let’s change the subject. 

Bernardo does an abracadabra with his clapboard and the brothers wake up in their own shark movie. Eventually, the guys figure out there’s a floating badly-rendered CGI shark stalking them. Although, as Bernardo likes to point out, the CGI is pretty good for the budget. Bernardo joins the duo, who are understandably a little confused by the whole predicament. Bernardo materializes the 8 bullet points to every shark movie plot and walks them and us through it. Matthew’s love interest, Amy, according to the bullet points, will probably get killed so they rush over to warn her. She works for his former movie company and has created a cartoon using his shark sketches. By this point, it is sinking in that they wrote the script but never an ending. So they rush off to the beach where their un-conceived climax will finally materialize. 

Amy is left at the office with the shark who misses Amy and ends up eating her laptop. The shark absorbs the internet, excessive porn and all, and the ability to speak. Turns out the shark is pissed off that all shark movies show them as villains who eventually explode at the end. Might have a point there. The main shark barfs out Amy’s cartoon creations as minions in the “shark revolution”. They are adorable. Actually this whole movie is adorable. The shark demands Amy gives her some upgrades in exchange for sparing her life. 

Intermission brings us more of The Bernardo Show complete with an interview with one of the cartoons, a “who wore it better” contest and a bonus clip from the movie! By this point, I was having so much fun watching that my boyfriend had to come see if I was okay. He’s not used to that reaction when I’m watching shark movies. Usually, I softly weep. 

The beach climax commences with the main shark looking pretty fly after all her upgrades. The shark gang wants to bring about a “golden age of sophisticated shark cinema”. Ha! We ALL want that, buddy. Will they succeed? Can the brothers finish their script and save their lives? Will they get back to reality or be stuck in there forever? I ain’t telling you. I only spoil movies you will probably never actually watch. And you’re going to watch this one, dammit. 

As I stated before, everything about this movie is awesome. The epilogues, end credits, end credit original rap song … EVERYTHING. Blink, and you’ll miss five jokes. We get brotherly relationship drama, bad (but not bad for the budget) CGI sharks, an Italian host and a precious little shark plushie companion. By the left fin of Bruce, this is my new #1 favorite shark movie! 

I’m looking at you directly in the eyes, folks. You WILL see this movie, won’t you? I feel you nodding. Don’t let me down. Also if you buy the DVD instead of streaming, you get extras featuring a Bad CGI Sharks toy commercial! Just sayin. 

Director: MaJaMa

Where to watch: Tubi, Youtube, Google Play

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