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Shark Season: Madsen Madness

I cannot explain to you good people why Michael Madsen has top billing in this movie, nor can I justify his horrible performance. He literally reads his entire script off a cue card while sitting in one room for the whole movie. This is not hyperbole. I swear this to you. I think he also had a pretty bad face lift. I used to love his gravelly voice, his swagger. Now I want to set him on fire and roast my marshmallows on his sagging plastic face. 

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Dark Tide: Slow burn, bad turn

Halle Berry is a shark freediver. Might be a stretch, but this movie is not that bad. It opens with her narration about how we are taught to fear sharks and then we see one underwater “and it’s perfect”. Never a truer statement has been uttered. This film is set in the Cape Town/False Bay/Gansbaai area of South Africa. And it is gorgeous. 

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The Shallows: Pretty Darn Lively

If you think you might like to watch a beautiful woman get really messed up, this one’s for you. I love this movie. Not for that reason exactly, but because this beautiful woman ain’t no slouch. Blake Lively’s character, Nancy, heads to a remote Mexican beach where her mother surfed when she was pregnant with her. Her travel partner is too hungover to go with Nancy so it becomes a solo mission. Surfing solo at a remote beach is never a great idea, folks. There’s a reason why we have the buddy system.

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Dark Waters: Lameness with Lamas

I love me some Lorenzo Lamas. He is one of the mighty kings of sharksploitation with his starring roles in this movie and Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Men want to be him, women want to be with him. This man and his perfectly coiffed head have been dropping panties for decades. My love for him is kind of like my love for ABBA. I will indulge late at night with the blinds drawn and never speak of it to anyone at the office. 

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Beneath: A little bit stinky, a little bit fun

I know what you’re thinking. Susan, this is not a shark movie. Except there is no way you’ve watched this movie so you wouldn’t be thinking that at all. At any rate, you got me there. This is not a shark movie. It is a lake monster movie. I figured I’d branch out this week. At least it’s sharksploitation adjacent. 

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5-Headed Shark Attack: Business in the Front, Party in the Butt

Let’s not beat around the bush, folks. This movie sucks. The acting is horrible and there is something disturbingly lethargic about the whole thing. But, or should I say BUTT, the shark in this film is so ridiculous that you simply must see the damned thing. 

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Avalanche Sharks: Sleaze and Skookum

Let me just start off with a warning. If you suffer from a crippling fear of blondes this movie is not for you. Damn near every woman in this movie is a blonde. Also no man does anything at all unless it leads to the promise of sex. I am a devout feminist and yet the misogyny was so rampant that it almost became breathtaking to behold.

Besides the boobalicious flaws in this movie, the shark attacks are quite fun and gory. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough of them. For some attacks, we are warned of impending doom with the haunting sound of a slide whistle. Seriously, I cannot make this shit up. They swim through snow and ground alike. I don’t even need to mention that they growl, right? Of course they growl. They always growl. 

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Frenzy: The Opposite of “Frenzy”

The movie opens with a recording of the main character, Lindsey, reporting everyone is dead. So right away, there is no ambiguity as to the fate of most of the characters. Also, from this brief introductory glimpse of Lindsey, we can tell she is a vapid idiot with a stupid face. The opening credits feature a roving gang of three Great Whites. Listen, folks. This movie might be really really flawed but damned if they ain’t up front about it. Respect. 

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Jaws The Revenge: This time it’s personal…and horrible

I wish the shark looked like this.

You would think by the fourth movie of the Jaws franchise, someone would have figured out how to improve the shark’s design. But no. This thing is supposed to be alive yet “swims” through the water like someone is pulling a shark-shaped pillow toward them with a rope. The shark tilts one way and the other. That could be cute like a puppy quizzically tilting its head if it wasn’t the entire thing tilting like a boat about to capsize. We still have the carrot-like teeth and the inexplicable roar to contend with. Just to put the cherry atop my ennui cupcake, we can see a seam on the back of the dorsal fin. 

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