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Land Shark: Boop! Boop!

Yes, folks, this is another movie written and directed by the notorious Mark Polonia. I just realized that I’ve never mentioned his brother Anthony. Anthony is in charge of the special effects on many of the Polonia Brothers productions including this one. Anthony is responsible, I assume, for the shark in this movie. The shark is a claymation puppet type thing. Therefore, I love Anthony Polonia. My adoration of claymation shark effects runs deep and is almost pathological. I can’t explain it, but even in the worst shark movie, a derpy shark makes my heart sing. 

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Bad CGI Sharks: The Answer to Everything

Someone has apparently reached into my brain and created a movie. This movie is the self-aware and self-deprecating love letter to all terrible sharksploitation films. From the opening scene to the closing credits (seriously I read them and even they are hilarious), every detail of Bad CGI Sharks is corny and amazing. 

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Virus Shark: A Low Budget Fun Mutation

I give Mark Polonia a hard time. A lot. He has made some of the worst shark movies known to mankind. There are, however, a couple gems hidden in the dung pile. Movies that just hit me the right way and despite their obvious flaws, win me right over. Sharkenstein is one of these. I’ve found another with the brand new 2021 movie, Virus Shark!

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A “Saltie” Crocsploitation Double Feature Part Two: Black Water: Abyss

Welcome back! You read part one, right? Good for you. Or I’m sorry. Depends on how you feel. 

We continue our odyssey into the wet and wild world of living dinosaurs with Aussie director Andrew Traucki’s follow up to his 2007 cult hit crocsploitation flic, Black Water. This one is unexpectedly yet expectedly called Black Water: Abyss and was released in everyone’s favorite year, 2020. I’m not sure this is a sequel. I mean, it could be but there isn’t really a connection to the first movie much at all. Other than the croc, of course. 

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A “Saltie” Crocsploitation Double Feature Part One: Black Water

Sometimes … like when my newly acquired pre-ordered copy of a brand new shark movie is defective … I must turn to sharksploitation-adjacent genres to quench my parched soul. Usually, this results in a viewing of croc movies. This was no exception. So allow me to present my almost scientifically flawless analysis of the Black Water movies. Shall we begin at the beginning with Black Water numero uno? Of course we shall. 

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Shark Encounters of the Third Kind: I’d Rather Have an Anal Probe

Sharkenstein. Land Shark. Amityville Island. They’re all Mark Polonia films. They all require your synapses to fire at a rate way way lower than you could ever expect (Note: I adore Sharkenstein so leave that one out of this). Shark Encounters of the Third Kind is no different. If you thought combining two of Spielberg’s greats into one movie was a good idea, your synapses are firing too fast. Get down on my level, buddy.

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Shark Killer: Bond Buddy Rom-Com

This movie has the gloss of a network television crime drama. It’s part rom-com, part buddy film and part James Bond. Oh and there’s a shark thrown in so they can call it a shark movie on your handy Amazon Prime search. The hero, Chase, looks exactly like a morph of Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth. All said, I didn’t hate it. 

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