Yes, folks, this is another movie written and directed by the notorious Mark Polonia. I just realized that I’ve never mentioned his brother Anthony. Anthony is in charge of the special effects on many of the Polonia Brothers productions including this one. Anthony is responsible, I assume, for the shark in this movie. The shark is a claymation puppet type thing. Therefore, I love Anthony Polonia. My adoration of claymation shark effects runs deep and is almost pathological. I can’t explain it, but even in the worst shark movie, a derpy shark makes my heart sing.Continue reading Land Shark: Boop! Boop!
Someone has apparently reached into my brain and created a movie. This movie is the self-aware and self-deprecating love letter to all terrible sharksploitation films. From the opening scene to the closing credits (seriously I read them and even they are hilarious), every detail of Bad CGI Sharks is corny and amazing.Continue reading Bad CGI Sharks: The Answer to Everything
I watched this 2021 film on VHS. I wanted you to know this because I am biased toward anyone who still uses this ancient technology, and this review may reflect that bias. Seriously, just being able to hear that beautiful hum of the tape rewinding? Am I right? I’m old and I like VCRs dammit.Continue reading Sharks of the Corn: Jaws is Getting Stalked!
I give Mark Polonia a hard time. A lot. He has made some of the worst shark movies known to mankind. There are, however, a couple gems hidden in the dung pile. Movies that just hit me the right way and despite their obvious flaws, win me right over. Sharkenstein is one of these. I’ve found another with the brand new 2021 movie, Virus Shark!Continue reading Virus Shark: A Low Budget Fun Mutation
Welcome back! You read part one, right? Good for you. Or I’m sorry. Depends on how you feel.
We continue our odyssey into the wet and wild world of living dinosaurs with Aussie director Andrew Traucki’s follow up to his 2007 cult hit crocsploitation flic, Black Water. This one is unexpectedly yet expectedly called Black Water: Abyss and was released in everyone’s favorite year, 2020. I’m not sure this is a sequel. I mean, it could be but there isn’t really a connection to the first movie much at all. Other than the croc, of course.Continue reading A “Saltie” Crocsploitation Double Feature Part Two: Black Water: Abyss
Sometimes … like when my newly acquired pre-ordered copy of a brand new shark movie is defective … I must turn to sharksploitation-adjacent genres to quench my parched soul. Usually, this results in a viewing of croc movies. This was no exception. So allow me to present my almost scientifically flawless analysis of the Black Water movies. Shall we begin at the beginning with Black Water numero uno? Of course we shall.Continue reading A “Saltie” Crocsploitation Double Feature Part One: Black Water
I thought this was the final installment of the Mega Shark franchise. Yet, I found a little tidbit on the internet teasing another one. This time versus Moby Dick. Oh how I pray that this is true.Continue reading Mega Shark vs Kolossus: Brain-Scrambling Surf and Turf
Sharkenstein. Land Shark. Amityville Island. They’re all Mark Polonia films. They all require your synapses to fire at a rate way way lower than you could ever expect (Note: I adore Sharkenstein so leave that one out of this). Shark Encounters of the Third Kind is no different. If you thought combining two of Spielberg’s greats into one movie was a good idea, your synapses are firing too fast. Get down on my level, buddy.Continue reading Shark Encounters of the Third Kind: I’d Rather Have an Anal Probe
This movie has the gloss of a network television crime drama. It’s part rom-com, part buddy film and part James Bond. Oh and there’s a shark thrown in so they can call it a shark movie on your handy Amazon Prime search. The hero, Chase, looks exactly like a morph of Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth. All said, I didn’t hate it.Continue reading Shark Killer: Bond Buddy Rom-Com
You should be informed that this is not a sharksploitation film. I was bamboozled. Look at the poster! I feel a little betrayed. Oh, there is a shark in this movie. It attacks people. But it is definitely not a shark movie.Continue reading From the Depths: Seems More From the Shallow End