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Amityville Island: What the actual f–k?

I don’t know about you folks but I like a shark in my shark movie. This blatant false advertising really churns my butter. I have a whole blog dedicated to bullshit shark movie posters, but this one makes me want to hunt Mark Polonia down and bitch slap him into next week. Hard. With a frying pan. 

There is exactly one short scene involving a shark. It looks like a cartoon. The victim says things like “We don’t need a bigger boat, we need a bigger gun” and “Don’t bring pointy teeth to a gunfight.” That is quite literally the only thing I like about this movie. Those two lines. That’s it. 

Aside from the atrocious acting and special effects which can only be described as primordial, the poster seems to imply that this is a sharksploitation film. Besides the one scene, the word “shark” isn’t even mentioned. There is never anyone swimming in any water at any point. I’m angry about this. I just punched a hole in my drywall. My boyfriend is scared. I need a drink. 

Actual footage of my mood right now.

Okay, okay, I’ll stop ranting. So what the fuck is this movie actually about? Piecing together this plotline is like solving a jigsaw puzzle when your dog has eaten three of the pieces, shat them out on your bathroom rug, and re-eaten them while maintaining full eye contact with you the whole time. Yes, that is a tad dramatic, but that sentence was 1000 times more exciting than this fuckfest of a film. 

Kelly Jo, former mother of four, and another female death row inmate get taken to Amityville Island where a couple pervy guys are doing fertility experiments on women. Why is Kelly Jo a former mother of four and on death row? Because she is possessed by a thing and she stabbed all her kids to death. Don’t expect any sort of explanation whatsoever of the thing possessing her or why any of this plot is existing in the world. You shall not receive any. Honestly, it wouldn’t help to have answers. It may actually make it worse. If that’s even possible. 

The gross doctors are trying to clone super soldiers and need super wombs to breed them. It is all very complex and involves nanotechnology which is hilarious seeing that the “lab” is a room covered in aluminum foil with some unplugged monitors and VCRs. The doc injects some device into the ladies’ necks that can explode, give shocks or administer poison. Yet his computer is older than the Antikythera Mechanism and he uses the same syringe for the entire movie. Ew.

On occasion, we are treated to scenes involving a journalist who drinks whiskey and talks on the phone. Alternatively, he might drink whiskey and drive. It all leads up to him contributing a whopping fuck all to the plot of the movie. 

There is a person walking around the island with a very badly made paper mache mask. That is supposed to indicate to us that it is a zombie, I think. Again, this is not really adding anything to the movie. There is no point to this at all. I am beginning to feel myself spiral into an existential crisis. 


One more interesting tidbit of fuckery is that, in the opening credits, it says the music score is by Ghost. That cannot actually be true. If so, Ghost is so much worse than I already thought they were. Seriously, I need a drink. 

My best advice to you, good people, is to avoid any involvement with the hideous act of viewing this film. I fear for you if you do. I came out of it with a boxing fracture, overwhelming ennui and an alcohol problem. Save yourselves. 

See ya next time!

Director: Mark Polonia 

Where to watch: Amazon Prime (it’s free with Prime but still not worth the crippling, soul-destroying despair)

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