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5-Headed Shark Attack: Business in the Front, Party in the Butt

Let’s not beat around the bush, folks. This movie sucks. The acting is horrible and there is something disturbingly lethargic about the whole thing. But, or should I say BUTT, the shark in this film is so ridiculous that you simply must see the damned thing. 

A marine biologist named Dr. Yost and a corrupt and greedy aquarium owner decide to try to capture this mutant fish alive. Dr “Yo” wants to study it and her boss wants to make a bunch of cash from it. The thing eats a bunch of people. The policia bumble their way around. Yo and her boss enlist tasty interns and a boat captain named Red to kill the shark when they all finally realize the fucker might be a touch too dangerous to take home as a pet.

All this means nothing. Nothing, I say! All that matters in this movie is the shark. 

Half way through the film you will find yourself thinking “Am I missing something? This shark only has four heads yet the movie refers to a fifth head. And by golly, I am taking this movie fucking seriously!” Well, my perceptive friend, there are indeed only four heads on this leviathan. Until it mutates, becoming the most impressive piece of sharksploitation insanity since Sharkenstein. The fifth head…oh I shouldn’t tell you yet I must…the fifth head comes out of its butt. Since it’s part of the tail, it swishes delightfully to and fro in the water. Somehow the head butt manages to propel the shark and also maintain some sort of steering control. All the heads roar and gurgle like the dulcet tones of a really old gas station toilet. So does the ass head. It also cleans up the little bits of carnage the other heads leave behind like an anal remora. I have so many questions. 

I had to stop the movie, run to the local Stab-n-Go (I live in a shitty neighborhood) and buy an overpriced box of kleenex to wipe the deluge of tears from my eyes when I saw the pooper noggin begin to materialize. I was moved. 

Behold the elusive shark mullet!

Nevertheless, even the bat shit crazy deformity fun of the shark cannot make up for the ghastly acting and subpar plot. Actually the plot is just one plot over and over. They try to kill it. “Is it dead?” It’s not dead. They try a different way to kill it. “Is it dead?” It’s not dead. On and on, ad nauseum. When they finally do kill the thing, it happens off screen. My brow was so fucking furrowed during that ending that I just made an appointment to get botox. I shot that finale quite the pout, I tell you. It physically hurt to watch it. 

Boy oh boy, I am so glad I went from 2-Headed Shark Attack directly to 5-Headed Shark Attack. I can’t imagine 3-headed Shark Attack could have anything to offer me after seeing a shark with a thinker in its stinker. My sharksploitation bingo card may finally be complete. 

See ya next time!

Director: Nico De Leon

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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