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2 Headed Shark Attack: Double the suck!

I know you people are busy. I am going to jump right in here and cut to the chase. This movie sucks like a toothless black hole. The shark itself is presented with a mixture of CGI and rubber. I would say it growls but it is more akin to a whooshing sound. The shark is a different size depending on the scene. Incredulously, the filmmakers thought teeth that appear just like your mother’s tried and true rubbermaid spatula would be a totally believable method to pulverize human flesh. 


Seriously, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is like nothing I’ve ever seen. 

The most disturbing thing of all about this entire concept of a 2 headed shark, is that either the filmmakers purposely made it look like God ripped a bong hit and created backwards male genitalia with testes-jaws, or they decided to have a poor shark grow head boobs. Either way, folks, I am gobsmacked. And a little nauseous. 

I am completely aware that future films continue to explore 3, 5 and 6 headed shark attacks. Oh goodie. I guess I’ll have to review those someday. Inexplicably though, I can find no mention of a 4 headed one. Why, I wonder. WHY? These are the things that keep me up at night. 

So the plot…ok hang on. It is too generous to describe this movie as having any discernible plot. So I’ll start again. So this movie’s series of continuous moving pictures show us a bunch of college students that wander aimlessly around an atoll in the middle of the sea with not much happening at all. There is a boat or two involved. Carmen Electra is supposed to be a doctor (tee-hee) and arches her back a bunch of times. A guy who sports a cleft chin, a dark tan and a cavernous mouth is the captain/teacher. Brooke Hogan (yes Hulk Hogan’s kid) stars as a girl who sports a cleft chin, a dark tan and a cavernous mouth. And boobs. That’s how you can tell them apart. 

I mean, how deep am I expected to go in this review before my two, maybe three readers, set themselves on fire from the banality? I can’t afford to lose you guys so I’ll keep it brief. 

The atoll that they wander around on is quaking and sinking into the watery abyss. Why and how? I dunno. They must figure out a way off the island and at the same time avoid the deformed menace that patrols the inky deep. One of the students is a meathead named Cole who acts as the mustache-twirling villain for the film. Brooke Hogan’s Kate is the only character with any shred of sense in her bleach blonde brain. That concept in itself walks the razors edge of credibility. 

The climax of the film is pure and utter stupidity, but at some point the remaining kids manage to blow off one of the shark’s head chesticles. The only part of the movie I really enjoyed was counting the times the filmmakers forgot which head, left or right, got blown off. It changed every 3 to 5 seconds. Brilliant! 

So settle in with a cleft-chinned friend, set your brain to neutral and try to light the soggy fuse that leads to this piece of sharksploitation dynamite. At the every least, you’ll get to see some of the most confusing shark anatomy in cinematic history. 

See ya next time!

Director: Declan O’Brien

Where to watch: Amazon Prime

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